


Before you go

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Drug Abuse, F/F, F/M, Major character death - Freeform, Other, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-04-05 15:18:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 39,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4184760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school au were Carmilla and Will are actual siblings and new to Silias High, Laura is the unintentional popular girl, Perry and LaFontaine are a sure thing, Danny and Kirsch have more in common than not but they can't see that. </p><p>This is not a story about selfdescovery, it is a story about letting go of what once was and can never be again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New home

**Author's Note:**

> General triggers for this story are in the tags

_**15th of September 2014** _

The car door opens on the passenger side and a black haired girl slides out. She shuts the door and sighs at the sight of the school. She feels an unease grow inside her. _You can do this_ , she tells herself and approaches her brother who has jumped out of the car. He, as well as she, looks around. The courtyard is filled with students and every single one seem to be knowing where they are going. _No surprise, they have had at least three weeks to find their way at this place._ When a guy in a red and blue team jacket walks past them, smiling well too big at her with a wink, she grunts.

“Seriously”, Carmilla says and stops before officially entering the Silas campus. “Can we just skip it today?”, she asks and turns to Will who is distracted by a group of girls standing a few feet away. He is obviously starring. Carmilla hits him on the arm and he turns.

“What?”, he asks. Carmilla rolls her eyes.

It's the first day and really their first time at Silas High. Even though she has never been here before everything looks so familiar, so just like the last place. Which, at least if she was like every other seventeen-year-old, would make her feel more comfortable. It doesn't.

“Why am I even doing this”, she asks herself as they walk towards the doors.

“Because you have too”, Will answers and she glares at him. Like if she needed to be reminded. It's not like she has had to listen to the same speech for the last two weeks, or months really. She has managed to block out most of that nonsense, but her perspective of time isn't the best because of it. “What do you have?”, he asks and Carmilla pulls out a note from her back pocket. She glances through it.

“Psychology. You?”.

“Math”, he says unhappy and sighs.

“Good luck”, Carmilla comments and looks away so that he won't notice her smirk. She'll take psychology over math any day, every day. “I think I'm going this way?”, she says a bit uncertain while looking in through the glass doors before facing her brother again.

“I have no idea where _this_ is”, he laughs. “See you at lunch?”, he asks as he opens the door for her.

“Sure”, she replies and walks in through the door.

“Hey, Carmilla”, Will says and she turns. “Try and make friends”. He smiles at her. 

_Fucking hell_ , she thinks but nods before she leaves him standing at the door. She can hear it close behind her and she breaths out. _Like this isn't hard enough_. As she is left on her own she feels that unease again. She has no idea where she is even going, but she follows a couple of girls that seem to be in her age. When they turn a right and in through another glass door she stops at the first classroom. It looks like it could be psychology, at least there´s no science crap on the walls.

“Excuse me”, she asks a girl that is about to walk past her. The girl stops and turns to her. Carmilla´s eyes locks to hers. They are hazel brown and warm. “Sorry. Is this psychology?”, she asks and points to the classroom beside her.

“No, that´s philosophy”, the girl answers politely and nods ahead of her. “Psychology is two doors down”, she explains. Carmilla hums and makes a mental note while trying to remember how she got here, she thinks they're in the eastern part of the main building. This has to be the main building, she thinks, at least that's what the principal had written in the email to her mother when she described the school. “You´re new”, the girl states and Carmilla takes that as an invite to walk with her when she leads the way.

“Is it that obvious”, Carmilla answers sarcastically. She thinks that she can see a smile on the other girl's lips, but don't have time to look too closely because she almost walks into a guy as they walk through the door.

“Watch it, Kirsch!”, the girl tells him with a harsh tone to her voice. But all Carmilla is thinking about is the girl's hand on her arm. She must have reached out for Carmilla when Kirsch nearly tripped her over.

“Sorry, hottie”, Kirsch answers and takes a step to the side. “That reminds me, are you coming this Friday?”, he asks without looking away from the other girl. Carmilla adjusts her bag on her shoulder, but stays at the girl's side.

“Maybe, we'll see”.

“Please Laura”, Kirsch begs and leans in with a big puppy dog smile all over his face. “Pretty please”, he says and Laura giggles.

Laura gives in. “Fine, I´ll come”. Kirsch smiles even bigger. He then looks down at his watch and nearly trips another girl over as he takes a run throughout the door.

“See you at lunch!”, he yells just before disappearing around the corner and Laura shakes her head.

“Well, that was Kirsch”, Laura exhales and turns to Carmilla. “He is always like that, you'll get used to it”, she says. 

_Do I have to_ , Carmilla thinks as she follows Laura to the seats at the back of the room.

“So”, Laura says when they have sat down. “Why Silas?”, she asks and locks on to Carmilla´s gaze. It's very intense and inspecting of some sort. Why it is or why she does that doesn´t Carmilla understand but neither does she feel uncomfortable because of it.

“Why do you do anything”, Carmilla replies without even thinking about it and can hear how dumb it sounds. She leans back in her chair. “We just moved here”, she answers. “My mom, my brother and I”.

“From where?”. Carmilla chuckles. “Sorry, I didn't mean to be nosey”, she adds with that apologetically look on her face. A look that is way too cute for Carmilla´s wellbeing.

“It´s okay, cupcake”, Carmilla assures her. “New York”. She pulls out a notebook out of her bag when the teacher walks through the door, slamming it shut behind him. 

“Why did you move?”, Laura asks and Carmilla fumbles with the notebook. _It´s fine, relax_. She clears her throat and wets her lips before she turns to Laura.

“It´s a long story”.

She can see how thoughts run through Laura's mind, but she doesn't ask anything else. She just smiles and they turn towards the front. 

Carmilla isn't paying much attention to what the teacher is saying, most of which she learned last year. Instead her eyes are drawn to the window and she keep looking outside dreaming away from her seat. Laura takes a peek at Carmilla´s empty notebook when they pack their things. Carmilla catches her doing it and Laura immediately turns to her one stuff and they get up from their places. 

“What do you have now?”, she asks as they leave the classroom.

“English”, Carmilla answers after checking the note she still has in her back pocket. Laura hums and looks around for a bit. Suddenly she reaches out and grabs a girl's hand. 

“Perry!”, she exclaims and the girl stops. “Hey”. Perry´s face lights up at the sight of Laura.

“Laura, hey”. The two share a hug. “Didn't see you there”, she explains. Then she looks to Carmilla. Laura does the same.

“This is…”, she says but seems to realise that she doesn't actually know her name.

“Carmilla”. Laura blushes, a bit ashamed of herself, but it fades out.

“Carmilla”, Laura repeats and looks to Perry. She's still blushing and it's puts a slight smirk on Carmilla's lips.

“Hi, I´m Perry”, the new girl introduces herself as and holds out her hand. Carmilla shakes it and adjusts her bag, all this meeting and greeting makes her a bit nervous.

“Carmilla has English with you”, Laura explains and Perry nods comprehendingly. “I thought you could walk together”, Laura suggests and Carmilla bites down on her lip so she doesn't burst out laughing. She wonders if this Laura is some kind of organizer at this school or something, like the big sister for new students. Fortunately, she´s able to contain her laughter.

“Of course!”, Perry answers while smiling and Carmilla does her best to keep that laugh in as she smiles back at her. “Shall we?”. 

Perry steers her away from the classroom and towards what Carmilla thinks is the library, at least it says that on a paper taped to the door informing about a meeting of the book club. Carmilla looks back and smiles at Laura.

“I see you guys at lunch!”. Laura turns forward again still wearing that smile.

“So, you´re new”, Perry says and Carmilla feels like pounding her head against one of the lockers, but instead she smiles and prepares herself for another round of questions.

//

English isn't quite as bad as Carmilla thought it would be, the teacher is a lot nicer than her last one and he actually interacts with his students. Perry isn't too bad either, she talks a lot but seems to have her head in the right places and she doesn't notice when Carmilla accidentally lets out her usual charming sarcastic attitude. After they have finished with English they walk towards the cafeteria. Perry talks about the food and how it will probably taste a bit different at first, but that Carmilla doesn't put herself at risk by eating it. Carmilla spends most of her attention for the rest of the walk looking for a vending machine after that statement, just in case. The cafeteria is full when they walk in. Perry steers Carmilla to the food, considering what Perry just told her she decides to eat salad.

 _This will have to do_ , she thinks while looking down at her plate. Carmilla scans the cafeteria, hoping that Will have taken a table somewhere. 

“You okay?”, Perry asks by her side.

“Yeah, I'm just looking for my brother". She can't see him anywhere, so she turns to Perry who is waiting for her. As they walk towards the tables in one of the corners she notices Laura´s brown hair and then her bright smile. Perry takes a seat next to a girl in a flannel shirt and red hair.

“Hey you, we were wondering where you guys where”, Laura greets them and as she does that she hops to the side. She smiles at Carmilla, who slowly sits down next to her. “How was English?”, she asks and smiles once again.

“It was good”, Carmilla answers. “I like the teacher”.

“Mr Blake? Yeah, he is really good”, Laura says while she heaves a mouthful of spaghetti into her mouth. “Oh sorry”, Laura laughs and turns her eyes to the other side of the table. “This is Carmilla”, she says and Carmilla looks up at the red headed girl next to Perry. “LaFontaine, Carmilla. Carmilla, LaFontaine”. Carmilla thinks to herself and wonders if it's Laura's unofficial job to introduce her to everyone she meets, but yet again she's just being friendly and maybe this is a part of that.

“Nice to meet you”, Carmilla says and offers her hand over the table.

“Same”, this LaFontaine answers and they shake hands. “So you´re the new girl”.

Carmilla shakes her head and scoffs quietly. “How many times have you heard that?”, Laura asks with an amused tone to her voice.

Carmilla runs a hand through her hair, pulling it to one side. “So far? Five times”.

“Sorry about that”, Laura says as if she is the one to blame and Carmilla shakes her head once again.

“It´s okay, that´s what you get when you change schools in the middle of the semester”, Carmilla explains and can see the two other girls across the table examining her face. Laura grins at them and they turn away. _So she is the one in charge_ , Carmilla thinks. She takes one itty bitty bite of a carrot stick. “So, what do you do around here for fun?”, she asks.

“Bio-club”, LaFontaine says.

“Band”, Perry adds.

“School´s newsletter”, Laura mumble. 

Carmilla looks at them, a bit confused. “Ohh-kay”, Carmilla laughs as the others turn to each other.

“We have a lot of clubs”, Laura explains. 

_You don't say_ , Carmilla thinks and almost says with an amused roll of her eyes.

“What are you interested in?”, Laura asks and Carmilla is thrown back to reality. She bites her lip.

“Not much”, she says still biting her lip. _Great job, first lie less than a day in_. 

“Ah”, Laura exhales and Carmilla thinks that she gets the point. Hopefully anyway.

Carmilla listen to Perry and LaFontaine discuss the week's agenda, she finds out that they´re in chem-lab together and she is almost sure that she catches them holding hands under the table. Laura doesn't say much, she hums and smiles, but mostly she just listens or watches the people around them. Carmilla keeps on looking for Will as she returns to the table after she had been getting a refill of water. But he is nowhere to be seen. When she approaches the table the seat next to Laura has been taken. 

_Puppy_. 

Kirsch is smiling with an abnormal large portion of spaghetti in front of him. He and Laura are talking about something when Carmilla stops at the end of the table. Kirsch looks up at her with a grin smashed all over his face.

“This your seat?”, he asks and Carmilla nods. “Sorry, bro”, he says as he stands. He moves over to the other side and places himself next to Perry instead. Carmilla slides down into her seat again.

“Kirsch, this is Carmilla”. Carmilla forces a smile in his direction and can at the same time hear Laura still laughing by her side. “She´s the one you almost knocked over this morning”, she points out with a smirk on her lips.

“One of them at least”, Carmilla adds and Kirsch nods in her direction. Laura keeps smiling as she turns to Carmilla.

“What are you doing on Friday?”, she asks. Carmilla has to take a moment, and try to remember whether or not her mom had mentioned something about them visiting her uncle. Or if that might have been next week. Really, she hasn't paid much attention to anything her mother has told her lately. She is the kind of kid you just throw into the car and drive somewhere, because she can't remember or even bothers to care if they have plans as a family or not.

“Nothing, I think”, she answers. Kirsch makes a weird sound and points at her while he keeps on chewing. 

“You should come”, he says with a mouth still full with spaghetti.

“He means to say”, Laura interrupts before he opens his mouth again. “Would you like to come to the party?”, she asks. She is leaning her head against her hand, looking very relaxed and calm. Like if this is a normal day for her. It is.

“Why not”, Carmilla answers with a smile and she thinks that that is a smile on Laura's lips too.

“Sweet”, the puppy dog barks. “We needed some more hotties”, he continues and Carmilla almost chokes on her water. Laura only sighs and shuts her eyes, like for blocking out his comment. Some guy walks past them and Kirsch is up on his feet like that, and then he is gone as fast as he had appeared.

“Ehm, I´m sorry about that”, Laura laughs tiredly and Carmilla is once again surprised by her apologizing for someone else. 

“He seems… unique”, Carmilla tries to say without laughing as well. “How long have you been together?”. Laura´s eyes widen like if she just seen a ghost. Then she bursts out laughing. It seems like even Perry and Lafontaine had heard her question and they are both smiling way too big. “What?”, Carmilla asks. Laura wipes her cheeks dry from tears and meets Carmilla's gaze.

“We are not… like… no”, she tries to explain but the words just don't come out. The thought of Kirsch and her was just to funny, apparently. “We´re not a couple”, she is finally able to say in one sentence.

“He has a girlfriend”, LaFontaine adds. “She´s in my biology class”. Their face turns and they h ire at the thought. “I have to watch them say goodbye ever Friday morning, and let me tell you, it´s not the way I would like to start my weekend”. They shake their head while frowning. Carmilla nods understanding, then she thinks to herself and wonders why biology and Friday sound so familiar.

“Don't say you have that class too”, Laura says when Carmilla frowns. Carmilla looks at her and Laura hides an amused smile behind her hand. “You are going to... love this place”, she says in half sentences because she is trying not to laugh.

“I bet”, Carmilla answers sarcastically.

When Laura asks her if she would like to see the courtyard she agrees to come with her. The school is actually quite big and well designed. They walk around for a bit and Laura points out the lacrosse field, gym and the art department. Laura then stops at some benches just beside the doors to the cafeteria that they'd exited earlier.

“So, how has your first day been like so far?”, she asks. Carmilla sighs, but does so quietly.

“Fine, cupcake”, she answers and bits her lip. She had promised her mother not to use that tone, the 'trouble tone' as she called it. But it slipped through anyway.

“Does your brother go here too?”. This whole playing 20 questions are getting on Carmilla’s nerves, but she manages to keep herself locked down and breathes out a few times to let of some of the tension. It's not that she doesn’t find Laura friendly or anything like that, she just tired and not in a mood for anything. She didn't even want to go to this school or be in this city. It wasn't he choice to move, it was just something that happened to her. Yet again, she can't blame Laura for trying to make her feel welcomed.

“Yeah, but I haven't seen him since this morning”, Carmilla answers when she's able to find any other words that don't start or end with 'take me away from this place'. She then sits down at the bench.

“Is he into lacrosse?”.

Carmilla nods, when Laura doesn't answer immediately like she has all day Carmilla turns to her to find her sitting there with her eyes shut and the sun shining bright in her face.

“Yeah, he was captain at our last school”, Carmilla then explains. “Why?”.

“They have practise on Mondays around this time. They have try-outs today”, she says.

“That explains it”, Carmilla exhales. As they sit there Carmilla notices how about every person that passes them either waves or recognize Laura by saying her name. And Laura knows pretty much everyone's name too and greets them all with a smile. Whoever Laura is she knows more than a lot of people and Carmilla isn't sure what to make of that or anything she might have learned about the girl with hazel eyes yet. When the bell rings, Carmilla jumps, but Laura doesn't seem to notice. 

She only sighs and stretches out her arms before standing up. 

"I guess we should go", Laura says and leads her back to the hallway. Laura follows her to her next class, they talk a bit about New York and how neither of them are interested in lacrosse. Carmilla's stops before entering the classroom, Laura smiles. Carmilla isn't sure that that girl does anything else than smile. “See you around, Carmilla”, Laura says and turns to walk back the same way they came.

“Yeah, see you around”. She watches Laura walk down the hallway, talking to some people and then turn around the corner.

//

At the end of the day Carmilla no longer have the count on how many times she has been asked the same round of questions. All she wants is to get home and collapse on her bed. Her bag is packed with books, and notes from pretty much every teacher with instructions on what she has to do too catch up with the others. She already hates this place. But she reminds herself that it´s better than what it could have been. But that´s not entirely true either. 

Will is waiting for her at the car, texting someone on his phone when she approaches him. He looks up.

“Hey, I was looking for you after first period, I didn't know that we try-outs during lunch so I tried finding you before”, he says and picks up his bag. And his lacrosse stick. He throws everything in the back then jumps in at the driver’s side.

“I know”, Carmilla answers and jumps in the car. As they drive off the parking lot she notices Laura and some redhead sitting at on one of the benches at the fence. She is smiling. So is the long redhead.

“So where were you?”, Will interrupts Carmilla in her thoughts and she clears her throat before answering.

“I sat with friends”. There´s some sarcasm in her voice, it comes naturally when she relaxes. But Will is so used to that he doesn't even comment on it.

“You made friends?”, he asks with big eyes and looks over at her.

“Yeah”, she breathes out and slides down in her seat. “Don't say anything”, she warns him. Will whistles impressed and seems to think to himself before he sighs with a soft smile lingering on his lips.

“I guess we're staying”, he says and seems happy about it. Carmilla leans her head against the windshield and breathes out as they drive away from the school. 

_I guess we are_.

\--

Laura waits outside the school. She´s sitting on one of the benches at the fence, with her face turned to the sun and her arms resting on the back of the bench. She has her earphones in and the sound of The 1975 song Girls is loud inside her head. She loves this spot and tries to find a little time every day to just sit here and relax every now and then.

A shadow falls down over her and she opens her eyes with a confused frown. Danny is standing over her and she says something, or at least her lips are moving but Laura can't hear anything over the music.

She pulls out the earphones. "What?". 

Danny shakes her head and sits down next to her. "I asked why you're still here".

"Oh, I'm waiting for LaFontaine".

"Bio-club?". Laura nods. She puts her phone and earphones in her bag and leans back again. As she does the doors to the school are flung open and Carmilla walks out, with determined steps she keeps walking towards the parking lot. "Ey, isn't that the new girl?", Danny asks.

"Yeah it is", Laura says and her eyes follow Carmilla as she stops by one of the cars. A guy is leaning against it. "Her name is Carmilla Karnstein by the way".

"I know", Danny replies and Laura's taken by surprise. She looks over at Danny who nods towards the guy standing by the car Carmilla just stopped at. "Her brother plays lacrosse". 

"Wow you're fast", Laura says with a laugh.

"You're the one to talk, how come you know who she is? At least I got first-hand information".

"I did too". Danny looks over at her and Laura knows that look. "She's in my psychology class", she explains and Danny immediately starts smiling.

"Mama bear Hollis, did you give her the tour?", she teases.

"Shut up".

They both watch the car drive off and Laura thinks for a second that Carmilla looks their way before they disappear out of her sight and away from the parking lot.

Danny doesn't stop smiling for a second. "Her brother seems cool at least, very social and outgoing". 

Laura hums, she hasn't really been paying attention to Danny since she saw Carmilla walking out of the school to be honest. There was something about that girl that caught her attention and has done that during the day too when they kept bumping into each other in the halls. 

"You're doing that face", Danny comments and Laura looks over at her. She's grinning with a very familiar look in her eyes.

"No I'm not", Laura says with a snort.

"So are".

"Please".

"She's cute", Danny says and Laura bites the corner of her bottom lip.

"Danny", she says and Danny hums too as they lock eyes. "Shut the hell up". Danny's still smiling, but seems to drop the subject of one Carmilla Karnstein. Laura hasn't even known the girl a day, she hasn't had time to think of whether or not she's cute. Maybe she is. Maybe she's not. Danny doesn't know that.

But Laura has a pretty good idea of what she thinks of Carmilla, even though they just talked for thirty minutes or so.

"Guess she's not your type", Danny says all of a sudden. Laura bites her lip again as she feels a tug at the pit in her stomach. 

"You would know, wouldn't you", she replies and can hear for herself how toxic those words are. She can see Danny twitch beside her, but she chooses not to recognize it. Neither does Danny apparently, but there´s an awkward tension hanging in the air.

They don’t say anything more, until Danny stands at looks down at Laura without actually looking at her

"I should go", she says and Laura feels like she should tell her to stay. That she didn't mean it like that, but it's not entirely true. So she doesn't say that.

So she sighs and nods. "Yeah, see you tomorrow". 

Danny walks away without a word and Laura is left with that tug in her stomach. _Stupid_. She picks up her phone again and plugs in her earphones. She opens up Spotify and chooses one of The xx albums, their Coexist album is one of her favourites and she plays Angel on the highest volume.

//

She makes it through the first half of the album before LaFontaine comes sauntering out of the building. They smile at Laura who pulls out her earphones and stretches out before she stands up.

“Sorry, we got into a bit of a problem”.

“Did something blow up again?”, Laura asks with a mocking tone to her voice.

“No. Almost. Sort of”, they answer and look well to proud of themselves. Laura laughs and they head for her car. "So what are we doing?".

"I need to finish a math assignment".

"Thought you were done with that", they ask with a furrowed brow in confusion.

"I was, but then your girlfriend told me it was wrong".

They blush a little with a smirk filling up their face and jump into the car. "Of course she did”.

“I didn't even have to ask her to read it, she looked over my should or something that sneaky little thing”.

LaFontaine laughs and scratch at their chin with love glowing from their eyes. Laura has become more and more accustomed with that look. There´s no doubt that they are in love and Laura couldn't be happier about it. It was a long time coming and they had all been waiting for them to finally give up their silly arguments on why they couldn´t or shouldn't be together and just get together. Laura still remembers the day Perry and LaFontaine waltzed into the coffee shop, hand in hand, with a tenderness to their flushed faces.

“She's a pearl”, she says as she steers out from the parking lot.

In the corner of her eye LaFontaine nod. “Yeah, she is”. Laura drives with one hand on the wheel and her head resting in the other one as it is propped up against the door. LaFontaine got the choice of the music and plays some band Laura hasn't heard before, it´s nice though, a little too much pop but not enough to bother her that much. “What´s with the new girl?”, they ask out of nowhere and Laura sighs with an amused smile. 

“Not you too LaF”, she says and watches as LaFontaine turn in their seat to watch her. “Danny asked me the same thing”.

“And?”.

“I went off on one”, Laura admits as she turns the corner to her street.

“What did she say?”, they ask with a huff.

“It´s not as much what she said”, Laura says and really she has a continuation to that answer, but it fades out and she ends up sighing again. “She pushed it too far”, she finally says and LaFontaine huffs again.

“I can talk to her”.

“Please don't”. Laura looks over at them with a serious expression. “I mean it LaF, don't say anything”.

“If you say so”, is all they answer but she knows better than to believe that they won't do nothing. “She seems to be a little dark”, they say as Laura pulls up to her house. She turns of the engine and turn to them with a confused look.

“Who? Danny?”.

“New girl”.

“Carmilla”, Laura corrects her without thinking and jumps out before they have a chance to comment on it. “What makes you say that?”, she asks as they walk up to the front door.

“Don't know. Just a feeling”, they say with a shrug of their shoulders. “Maybe I'm wrong”.

“Yeah”, Laura replies absently. _She does seem a little dark actually_. She shakes of the thought and follows LaFontaine in and shuts the door behind them.

\--

**_June 23rd 2013_ **

She peeks out from under the sheets and is blinded by the light. A deep grunt leaves her lips and she turns towards the wall. The sound of an intoxicating giggle fills the air and she can't help but smile still hiding under the sheets. It´s hot, too hot. But she likes it. She could stay in this cocoon of warmth and safety for the rest of the year for all she cares. The bed creaks when pressure is put on it and she shifts to hide her face deeper down the pillow.

“It´s time to get up”.

“No”, she answers, but really it´s too muffled to reach the one now sitting by her side.

Instead of arguing, the sheets are lifted and soon she feels a body pressed up against her back, adding to the comfort. She shifts again in protest, but is met by another laugh. She can't help the way her stomach flips at the sound of it, or that her heart jumps a beat when an arm tugs at her waist to bring her closer. When two lips are brushed against the soft skin on her neck she feels the shivers moving along her spine. 

_For god’s sake_.

She turns without a word and kisses the girl with hungry lips. The girl responds by pulling her up over herself and she straddles her hips immediately. Every little touch sets off a new thrill in her body and she moans without even bothering the slightest about it. The girl smiles with a joy that radiates from both her glowing eyes and lips, one of which is caught between her teeth. They don't say it, there's no need to, they simply end up placing soft and playful kisses on each other´s jaws and cheeks. 

She laughs and brushes her nose against the girl´s, who looks back at her with a smirk linger on her lips.

“What?”.

“So this is how I'm supposed to get you up in the morning”, the girl answers. She wrinkles her nose and places a harder kiss to the corner of her mouth. 

“If you do this, I´ll wake up no matter what time it is”, she whispers and trails her lips up to the girl's ear with small kisses. The girl giggles again and tugs at her hips.

“I´ll make sure you remember saying that”.

“I'm sure you will”, she says and kisses her deep one last time before pushing herself off her to stand next to the bed. “What´s the time?”.

“Half past ten”.

“You woke me up before noon? Why?”, she asks as she puts on the first pair of pants she finds. It´s not hers, she can feel it in the way they are a bit tighter over her hips. Also one of the things she cherishes about being with her- she's always with her, if not in person then in her clothing and the way they smell of her. That's why she unintentional steal some of her clothes to wear each time she sleeps over.

“Because we said that we would go to the park”, the girl answers and she has to turn around so she can look at her. 

_Beautiful_ , is all she can think of as her eyes follow the contours of her sun kissed face framed by those blonde curls.

She offers the girl her hand and pulls her up from the bed. She then puts on a shirt, her red patterned one, and grabs her bag before interlacing her fingers together with the girl´s. They don't eat, instead they buy some sandwiches at the corner shop and head for the park. It´s a beautiful day, the sun is shining and the air smells of summer, the streets are slowly being filled with people and she can't help but smile as the girl tugs her closer to her side as they enter Central Park. They find a quiet place and sit down. She offers the girl the choice of picking which sandwich she wants first, but is turned down, so they split both of them and share.

As the clock reaches noon they are both full and she crawls over to lay down with her head in the girl´s lap, much to the girl´s amusement. She smiles with a goofy smile at her and sighs happily.

"Don't you dare fall asleep", the girl warns her and tickles her side.

"Can't help it, you're too cosy".

The blonde laughs hard, making her head bounce in her lap, before she brings her hand up and strokes back her bangs. When their eyes meet she knows, she just knows. She has known for weeks, but right here, right now, it becomes more than evident to her.

“I love you Ell”, she says and watches the twitch in the corner of the girl's lips turn into a whole smile. She leans down and connects their mouths, she kisses her deeply with the perfect amount of pressure and tongue- the amount that tells her that she wants more, that she'll have more with time.

She smiles against her lips and nothing could be better than this, until she whispers. "I love you too Carmilla".


	2. Drunken mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They call her love, love, love, love, love//She is love, and she is all I need//And when that world slows down, dear//And when those stars burn out, here//Oh she'll be there, yes she'll be there  
> \- She is love by Parachute

_**16-19th of September 2014** _

The week goes by slowly. Carmilla feels like she is drowning in school work and at nights she can hear Will complaining about his own stack of undone assignments in his room. Both of them got a lot of things to catch up on. In the beginning she doesn't care too much, not about herself anyway. But her brother, that´s another story. She tries to not feel guilty about it, but it´s not that easy when she knows that it's her fault that they moved in the first place. She deals with it by putting her earphones in and blocks out the world for a couple of hours while she tries to learn algebra, or get through To Kill a Mockingbird, or memorize French grammar. 

In school she either sits with Will at lunch and his newfound friends from the lacrosse team, or with Laura and her friends. She gets along with them, after the second day the happy two stop asking questions about New York and the move. Which Carmilla guesses is because of Laura, who soon becomes her favourite person out of the ones she's met so far. She doesn't try to force answers out of Carmilla, even though the look on her face tells Carmilla that she does wonder about her. 

But she keeps her mouth shut and smiles at Carmilla instead of asking anything. 

By every day that passes Carmilla begins to feel heavier. She tries one night, when she has been studying for two hours, to pack up some stuff in her room which still is quite empty. As she opens a box marked _Carmilla_ on with big, red screaming letters she finds several books, some lavender scented candles, a black jumper and in the bottom, a picture frame. She doesn't notice it until she has removed everything else and placed some of the things on a shelf over her bed. But as she picks up that jumper and unintentionally reveals what's underneath, she sees it and everything stops for a second. When she's gathered her senses she throws the jumper back into the box and shuts it. Her breath is heavy and unsteady. Later, when she is about to go to bed, she hides the box at the very back in her closet. 

That night she only sleeps for three hours, the rest she spends staring at the ceiling while trying to settle the scream growing in the back of her throat. 

On Friday morning Carmilla is early and waits outside the classroom. She has slipped down from where she was standing and is now sitting on the floor, with her biology book thrown open in her lap. She is trying to memorize the human cells anatomy and organelles. But her eyes are on the verge of closing every other second and her mind is too full with all the things she has crammed in there. She had forgotten how it felt to actually study and it is giving her a round for her money.

After twenty minutes she gives up and shuts the book with a frustrated slam. She slides her phone out of her back pocket. She works her way through the various of social media apps she has downloaded, nothing much that interests her. It's a distraction and doesn't hurt her head as much as that godforsaken book does. When she scrolls past a picture of the Brooklyn Bridge on Tumblr she feels that pit in her stomach tighten and she shuts her eyes voluntarily. _Stupid_ , she thinks for herself and inhales slowly. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. When she opens her eyes her mobile is once again locked and she sees the reflection of herself in the black screen. She doesn´t recognize those eyes that are looking back at her. 

They are familiar, but not hers. Hers isn't that dark or lifeless. At least, they haven't always been like that.

"Hey there", Carmilla is interrupted by LaFontaine's voice and for once she is glad to see them. She looks up to find them come walking through the corridor, she must not have heard the doors opening earlier.

"Hi", Carmilla responds and forces a smile as they sit down next to her.

"Do you got it down yet?", they ask and nod down to the book in Carmilla's lap.

She sighs tiredly. "No, but that's just how it has to be".

"Not necessarily". Carmilla looks up as LaFontaine opens up their notebook and turns page after page until they stop, rips out one that is scribbled full of names and symbols. They hand it over to Carmilla who tries to understand what is actually handed to her, when she realises what it is she just looks up. LaFontaine grins back at her. "I learned that after just a couple of days, I have no need for it anymore".

"Are you sure?", Carmilla asks and they nod. "You're a lifesaver!". 

That's one sentence that Carmilla didn't think she would ever say to the red haired genius, at least not yet. Carmilla looks through the notes and as she sees the pattern she can almost feel the words stick to her memory. She may even be able to get through this day too. 

Soon the hallway is filled with students and the sound of lockers being open and shut again. Carmilla stands with her eyes still turned to the paper. She doesn't notice Kirsch´s arrival, hand in hand with a brunette. As Carmilla looks up her eyes are fixed to the coupe and her stomach turns. They are holding each other in the most precious way, leaning against the brick wall. Kirsch leans down to kiss the girl in his arms. Carmilla shakes her head and looks away.

"What did I tell you", LaFontaine laughs. "They do that every morning". Carmilla swallows, relieved that they haven't seen her white face.

"Really", Carmilla says sarcastically and swallows again. _Stupid_. She breathes in slowly and lifts her eyes from the ground. When she opens them Kirsch´s on his way out of there, but the brunette pulls him close and places a sloppy kiss on his lips. Carmilla bits down hard on her lower lip as she feels the pit in her stomach tighten once again. When Kirsch finally leaves she is able to relax a bit again. 

"Cute", she comments and LaFontaine snorts.

"Yeah, you'll get over that soon enough". 

Carmilla believes them. When they walk into class she can feel the stiffness in her legs and the unease growing in her chest. That is the sixth time this week that she questions herself and her ability to do this. Maybe she's not ready. As those thoughts play on her mind she can hear the sound of a silent night and footsteps, ears that hurt from too loud music, then there's her mother's voice and she shakes it all off before she breaks down right here and now.   
She isn't that productive during this lesson. She isn't even sure what she wrote on that test she had to pass so she could complete the course as she leaves her seat when the bell rings.

\--

Laura turns to the next page and sighs at the long text. She has been reading for the last twenty minutes on the same topic - physics is really kicking her butt this year and it has barely even started. She can't seem to get it into her head. So she turns back a page again and skims through the paragraph on Newton's first law. It's all just gibberish. 

She gives up, this isn't going to work now anyway.

She throws the book away and picks up her phone. There's still thirty minutes left of her free period. Thirty minutes left until lunch. Which means another tense encounter with her friends, or more like a friend. She hasn't talked to Danny about what happened on Monday. Maybe they both just didn't feel like bringing it up, but it still stings a little to think about what she said. The reaction on Danny's face and how she more or less ran away from there. From Laura. They had never really talked about _it_. That was mostly Laura's choice, but it wasn't like Danny had tried to bring it up. Not until on Monday. Not until Laura for the first time in a long time felt okay with it. What she said though was far from okay.

Laura sighs once again and goes to stand up. Her legs are restless and a growing tingling feeling spreads through them. The library is quiet, apart from the sound of Mrs Eisen as she pushes her cart up and down the rows of bookshelves. This is one of Laura's favourite places. Whenever she can't be found or doesn't answer her phone, here's where she is. The smell of old books and the lack of bombarding teenagers soothe her in a way nothing else does. 

Nor no one else. 

It´s been a long time since she had a chance to just relax and not do anything. Even right now, she's still in school and is technically still studying. She longs for a day when she doesn't have to worry about school work or college or how to pay for college and all the other things chasing her through her life. Laura takes a deep breath and picks the physics book back up. With a sigh she opens it and slides back down in her chair, ready to get back to slowly killing herself trying to understand Newton's fricking laws.

\--

In time for lunch Carmilla sneaks away to the back of the school. She found a spot there earlier this week where rarely anyone interrupts her. She backs up against the brick wall and shuts her eyes. She's been carrying that feeling of unease inside her chest since this morning, but really, it has been there for months. It just doesn't come out unless it's triggered. And now, today, it is demanding to be felt. Carmilla breathes in slowly, trying to focus because she can feel her eyes tearing up. 

_Not here, not now_ , she thinks to herself and runs both of her hands through her hair. She is about give up and let herself fall when she feels the vibration of her phone in her back pocket. She pulls it out without thinking twice about it and when her eyes fall to the caller ID her heart calms down a little.

**Will (11:58am): Can you get a ride home? Extra practise this afternoon**

Carmilla sighs. Will has had his lacrosse stick so far up his ass this last week that she believes that he will literally start shitting lacrosse balls. She almost believes that he's even sleeping with it too, just to keep it near. He had not stopped talking about lacrosse all week and Carmilla had had enough of that after just three days. Which was longer than she usually could survive. Being around her brother was almost as annoying as going to school, but she had endured it for him. She owned him that much. But if this extra practise meant that she had a couple of hours for herself she wasn't going to complain.

**Carmilla (12:01pm): Yeah, I´ll fix it**

She sighs again. Lets her head fall back against the wall. Her heart is still trying to recover and find a normal rhythm. After a couple of minutes she has managed to calm herself down just enough to the point where she doesn't have to focus on her breathing anymore to not start to panic. So she leaves her spot and heads for the cafeteria. Maybe stuffing her face with something highly unhealthy can fill up the hole in her stomach. At least for long enough for her to get home where she can let go for longer than two minutes. 

The cafeteria is crowded as usual and the sound of most of the pupils at the school actually suffocate all the sounds in her head. Thankfully. She fills a plate with fries and heads for the table in the corner. The two redheads look up to her, smiling.

“Hey”, Carmilla says as she takes a seat across from them. Perry looks especially amused and Carmilla wonders why.

(She's about to find out why.)

“Carmilla, what are your thoughts on organic food processing?”, LaFontaine asks and leans in over the table. They have a serious face on and Carmilla's hand stops right in front of her mouth which she had planned to fill with those fries.

“Ehm, that I'm not the right person to ask about it?”, she answers with the question hanging in the air. She looks over to Perry who just shakes her head with a lingering smile.

“Why not? You know well as much as I about global warming and the effects of our actions”, LaFontaine replies with a passionate voice. Carmilla swallows hard, she recognizes this. This is LaFontaine when they are being too involved in something, which they probably read on like Tumblr or something and then gotten way too passionate about. They are quite predictable like that, at least when it comes to science or the environment. “You do care about what you eat, don't you?”. Carmilla chews slowly, hoping that she can gain some time to figure out an answer that removes her from the conservation permanently.

“Well I like food”, she says after a while. “Organic and nonorganic, doesn't really matter to me to be honest”. LaFontaine opens their mouth and Carmilla prepares herself for a lecture.

“LaFontaine, stop with the questioner”, Laura tells them as she dumps her plate with fries next to Carmilla and slides down into the chair. She smiles, but the twitch in her upper lip suggests that she is actually holding back a laugh. LaFontaine opens their mouth again, but is interrupted by Laura a second time. “The principal will never agree to your suggestions anyway”, she says and shoves a handful of fries into her mouth.

“You never know, he might come to his senses”, they answer. Perry shakes her head again behind their back and places a comforting hand on their shoulder. Laura also shakes her head and then shoots a look to Carmilla before looking back at the redheads. But she turns back to Carmilla in no time and Carmilla isn't late to meet her gaze.

“No honey”, Perry says to LaFontaine and they begin to argue like a married couple. But Carmilla doesn't notice it because she's still looking at Laura whose eyes have locked onto hers.

_Why is that_ , she wonders. 

Out of the blue Carmilla feels two hands on her shoulders. She looks up and discovers Will hovering over her.

“What are you doing?”, she asks with a sharp voice. Will furrows his eyebrows at that. 

“I wanted to make sure you got a ride for this afternoon”, he answers and she feels like kicking him under the chair. She thinks that she can reach, but decides not to try. She clenches her jaws before answering.

“I told you that I´ll fix it”, she mumbles with an irritated undertone. _Why do you even have a phone if you don't check it, you dimwit_.

“Do you need a ride?”, Laura asks beside her and Carmilla's eyes are drawn to her. Her mind goes blank for a split second and that is all Will needs to open his big gob.

“Yeah, I have practice so”, Will says and Carmilla has to once again restrain herself from kicking him. Can´t he for once understand her and not be such an idiot. Laura looks from Will to Carmilla, a friendly smile fills her lips.

“I can drive you”, she tells them both with eyes searching in Carmilla's. Carmilla breathes in and relaxes her jaws.

“It´s okay, I can walk”, she tries to sound convincing. She would actually like to walk, to be alone for a while and not be around anyone. Not even the sweet and caring Laura Hollis. 

But that isn't acceptable according to Laura.

“No way”. Laura looks up to Will again. “I´ll get her home”, she says and Will nods.

“Cool”, he answers and squeeze his sister's shoulders. “See you at home”. He leaves before Carmilla has the chance to answer. She haven´t told him about the party she is supposed to go to, but yet again, it wouldn't surprise her if Will is going too. Especially since he has become so buddy buddy with Kirsch. Apparently the big puppy dog plays lacrosse too. Carmilla runs a hand through her hair, knowing that Laura is still watching her.

“You didn't have to offer”, Carmilla tells her as she allows herself to look up to Laura's eyes again.

“But I did”, she replies quickly and smiles.

_What is it with her and smiling_ , Carmilla wonders.

“Did you get your results on your paper in English?”, Perry asks and the two break away from each other's eyes.

“Yeah, I got an A”, Laura says with a proud look in her eyes. That look causes Carmilla's lips to crack.

“And you, Carmilla?”, Perry's voice tosses Carmilla back to reality and she clears her throat.

“Yeah, you did that extra credit thing didn't you?”, Laura adds and Carmilla nods.

“On Shakespeare”, Carmilla answers. “I think it went pretty well. I'll get the results on Monday”.

“I´m sure you did well”, she replies. _Always so kind_.

“I just hope it makes up for what I missed”, Carmilla admits. She has tried to not worry about her schoolwork, but since that is the only thing that she has left to care about, why not worry. At least that keeps her busy and that is exactly what she needs.

“You weren't here, they can´t hold that against you”, Laura says. Perry agrees with a nod. "You just missed three weeks, that's nothing. They are probably just testing you out". 

Carmilla believes that she knows why her teachers been giving her extra assignments. Her mother. Which makes it a bit harder to work, but she knows better than to argue about school at the moment. Carmilla had given her promise to try and make things work here, and she is determined to keep that promise for as long as she can.

“Yeah, don't you worry about that”, Perry tells her with a friendly smile. Carmilla feels a bit embarrassed, she isn't used to have this kind of support. Or, she hasn't listened to it for a long time and that's why it feels so new.

“Perry is right”, Laura adds and Carmilla looks to her. “You shouldn't worry”. It sounds as if she actually believes what she's saying and that comforts Carmilla. Her eyes are drawn to Laura´s, but falls to her lips which are painted in a light pinkish colour. When she looks up to Laura's eyes again she is still watching her. A soft smile decorates her face.

“Laura”, LaFontaine bursts the bubble which the two girls found themselves in for a moment. They both look away. Carmilla isn't bothered by being looked at by Laura. There´s just something easy about it. Something that doesn't require her being aware of herself all the time. Even though that's exactly what she is. 

And has to be.

During the rest of her lunch break she listens to Perry, LaFontaine and Laura talk about something doing with the band and how they messed up during the last practise. When she is about to leave for her next class Laura stops her and tells her that she'll be waiting at the parking lot after school. She even makes Carmilla promise that she'll not try and get out of it and walk home as she proposed. Carmilla agrees after laughing at her and gives her her word, followed by a smirk.

\--

Will has never understood how to read his sister. Yes, he is probably better at it than everyone else but the last few months has been difficult. In more ways than one. Camilla is a whole new person, a person Will doesn't know and doesn't know how to read. Sometimes he thinks that her behaviour is obvious and that she is her herself again, but that changes within less than seconds. All it seems to take is one word, one little thing to evoke that darkness in her again so that it swallows all that she is right before his eyes. He will never get used to that, even though he has witnessed it more times than he wants to remember. He still finds himself wondering how and why she does it, why she gets up and out of the bed in the morning. 

He doesn't know what drives her to do it even though it's written all over her face that she rather hides out in her room. But maybe she has understood that hiding doesn't work out in the end. He will never understand that, and he knows it, but the way it is now is hundreds of times better than what it used to be. At least now he doesn't have to wait up wondering when and how she'll make it home, if she'll even come home. 

Everything is better than that.

Still, it does hurt him when she does what she does. Even though he knows that she doesn't mean to do it to him. It still hurts like hell. More than anyone knows. More than he'll ever tell. And he should know every tone that his sister's voice has to offer, but that doesn't stop him from being taken by surprise every time she sounds like if someone has sharpened her tongue into a knife. Which has been the normality the last couple of months. So really, he shouldn't be that surprised by it.

Still, it's better than what it was. So he bites down and walks away from her table as he feels his hands turn to fists and the knot in his stomach pound. _Just keep walking. This is good_. He'll get a break from all of that tonight anyway.

\--

Carmilla feels the weight of the world fall off her shoulders as she empties most of her bag and puts the schoolbooks in her locker. At least she doesn't feel as pressured as she did a couple of days ago. The first week is at its end and she has survived. Against all odds. She throws in her copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and breaths out with a smile. It looks like a mess. A mess she doesn't feel any guilt about leaving to take care of on Monday morning. 

She shuts her locker with a relieving slam. As she walks through the glass doors towards the courtyard she's actually smiling. But it is swept away as her eyes catches a glance of Laura´s brown hair and her white top a couple of cars away. She is leaning against a black car, Carmilla thinks that it´s a Volvo but she has never been good at car labels, with her face against the sun. Her eyes are closed and there´s something about her that makes Carmilla feel at unease with herself. She haven´t felt like that with the brown-haired girl before, but now it hits her like a blow to the chest. She slowly walks over to the car, as she gets closer Laura opens her eyes. She smiles over at Carmilla with squinting eyes, who forces one back.

“Hey”, Laura greets her and nods to the passenger side. “Get in”. Carmilla jerks open the door and slides into the seat. “You okay?”, Laura asks her as she fasten her seatbelt. 

Carmilla clears her throat. “Yeah. You?”.

“Happy to get outta here”, Laura says with a smile lingering on her lips. She starts the car and steers out of the parking lot. “Where to?”. 

Carmilla gives directions to her house, Laura comments and says that she once knew a girl that lived on that street. When asked who this girl was, all Laura does is frown and then says that she just knew her for a brief time last year. Laura then gets Carmilla talking about her day and how miserable French made her. As she drives on to Carmilla's street Carmilla have forgotten all about that feeling she felt before. Laura parks at the sidewalk and shuts off the engine. 

She turns over to Carmilla. “You are coming tonight, right?”.

“Yeah, totally”, Carmilla answers. She looks up to the driveway, it´s empty. So the house is most definitely empty too. Carmilla bites the corner of her lip before looking over at Laura. “Do you want to come in?”, she asks with a soft voice. It sounds nothing like she did with Will at lunch and nobody would ever think that that is the same girl. Laura smiles.

“Sure”. Carmilla nods and opens her door. They walk the stone path up to the entrance.

“We are still getting around with the whole moving in process”, Carmilla explains as she unlocks the door. She lets Laura walk in first and then closes the door behind herself where she is standing on the brown doormat. 

“It´s beautiful”, Laura comments while taking off her shoes after noticing Carmilla reaching to untie her own. 

The hall leads to the living room and to the left there´s a big table that she figures is used for on the daily. At the very end there's the kitchen and the guestroom to the right. Laura walks around, stops to skim through the bookshelf next to the big flat screen, or to observe the paintings that cover most of the walls. Carmilla watch her under silence. A playful smile fills her lips when she watches her stop in front of one of the paintings. Laura moves closer, leans in and reads the neatly written name at the lower corner. She then turns to Carmilla who's still standing at the door. 

“Did you paint this?”. She sounds impressed, which brings a flush of blood to Camilla's face. But Laura doesn't notice it, because her eyes are immediately drawn back to the painting.

“It was a long time ago”, Carmilla says while leaving her spot. She walks over to the other girl. “I used to paint a lot”. Laura´s eyes stays on the painting long enough for Carmilla to get anxious. She has never been good at dealing with people seeing her work. It always felt as if they picked it apart into itty bitty pieces and saw all the flaws. It could also make her feel like she was one of those people that showed off their art as if they were the new Picasso. That feeling was the worst. She didn't want to seem cocky or arrogant.

“It´s amazing!”, Laura exhales with an impressed tone and turns to Carmilla. “Why don't you paint anymore?”. Carmilla shrugs her shoulders.

“I just don't I guess”, she says and it sure is a poor attempt at avoiding the truth. Laura frowns, making her nose crinkle and there's a shade of little yellow around her eyes when she looks straight at Carmilla, but she says nothing about Carmilla's answer. 

She leans back again and looks around. “Where's your room?”.

Carmilla leads her up the stairs. Her room is the second the left, the first one is Will´s and the one to the right is their mothers. The door right ahead leads to the bathroom. Carmilla opens up the door to her room and once again she lets Laura walk in first. Laura´s eyebrows shoot up and she cackles as she steps over the threshold. 

“When did you say that you moved in again?”, the question is filled with laughter and Carmilla can't help but smile at the sound of it.

“I told you, we're in the process”, she tries to explain but Laura shakes her head.

“I'm guessing that the other rooms are all set and done”, she says and Carmilla looks away. She sighs exhaustedly and throws her hands up in the air.

“Okay, I don't like moving or packing and definitely not unpacking everything again”, she replies and hears how much of a lie it is. Or, how little truth that lays in those words. Because it's all a lie. Just not barely enough truth to not feel like acid on the tip of her tongue.

“I've gathered that “, Laura breaths out. She looks up to the shelf above the bed. “It´s not a secret that you don't like it here”.

“That´s not true”, Carmilla is quick to answer. But yet again, there´s not entirely true or false.

“Then why do you have all your things still packed in boxes?”, Laura asks and turns to look at Carmilla who is leaning against the doorframe. 

_Because I can't bring myself to open them and see it all, here, in my new room. In a town I know nothing off. I just can't do it_. That sentence is the start to an answer that could go on for hours, one that could explain it all and every little bit of who she is, or more like has become. But it is also an answer she swallows back down without much effort, it feels like mud and is heavy in her chest before it crashes down to where it belongs in the dark hole of her being. She meets Laura's gaze and feels the pit in her stomach ache, but it´s not the same ache as before. This is a hurt that she can manage.

Manage but not fully understand. 

“Because I just haven't gotten around to it yet”, she finally answers and Laura nods. Carmilla wonders if Laura actually believes anything she says, or if she just pretends to. Whatever the truth is, she isn't sure she wants to know. Believing in the little hope that anyone believes her when she offers them lie after lie is the only thing keeping her going, the only thing that can make her even try to make this work. It has to work. If not for her, then for her brother.

“Want some help?”, Laura's question breaks the momentarily silent that occurred between them.

“Don't you have somewhere to be?”, Carmilla asks. Almost hoping that she'll say no.

“Nope”. She looks around the room and frowns as her eyes drift away to the corner where there's at least seven boxes stacked. “So do you want my help or what?”, she asks again with a friendly smile on her lips. Carmilla doesn't have to think about it for a second, she knows how much of a bad idea it is. Yet, she smiles weakly back at the girl standing in the mess of her room and nods.

"If you're so eager to help me, cutie, who am I to stop you".

\--

Will watches the play. Joey´s in the goal, on coach Peters orders. Kirsch is leading the attack along with Charlie and Mark. They attack triangularly, Charlie and Mark on either side of Kirsch who is setting the tempo. In defence are Sam and Aaron. First they pass their way past Aaron who meets them at the centreline, he´s too slow on his feet and Kirsch easily fakes a pass to Charlie, only to turn it around to Mark instead. Aaron curses under his breath and beats his stick against with his helmet. Sam is tougher, he´s a defender and has apparently been the obvious choice since he joined the team back in freshman year. He tackles Charlie pretty bad and knocks him over, which makes him lose the ball, but he´s off his feet and doesn't catch it as it rolls past him. Kirsch is fast and Sam has no time to react, one second Kirsch is four feet away and not nearly in reach of grabbing the ball, the next second he's speeding up towards the goal with his stick held high, aiming to score. 

And he does.

Will can't help but smile, because he saw were Kirsch was aiming - Joey held his stick too low and he was standing too far apart. Kirsch is a great shot, but his go-to is the upper right corner, which is what he was aiming for. Will saw it coming and knew that he would score. So he smiles because if it was him in that goal, he would have caught the ball. He did a great job at the try-outs, but coach is still looking for a second in case of something happening. He doesn't know that Will played the in the playoffs with a broken rib last year, so there´s no way that he won't play every single game he is given.

“Karnstein!”.

“Coach”, Will answers and stands.

“Get out there and switch with Joey”, coach Peters tells him and waves over Charlie. 

Will gets his stick and helmet, then he walks over towards the goal. Joey meets him halfway with a tired and irritated look. Will bumps his shoulder with an encouraging smile.

“Good work. you were close on that last one”.

“Yeah yeah, show them who´s boss”, Joey answers and gives him a shove towards the goal with a smile in return. 

“Will do”, he answers under his breath as he puts on his helmet and gets into the goal.

“Come on Karnstein, get ready for a nice old fashioned beat up”, Kirsch yells from the other side of the court with the others in position at his sides. Will only laughs and spins his stick before he leans forward with bent knees, eyes locked onto Kirsch and the others. 

He´s ready. 

\--

"Okay, I'm just gonna say this", Laura exhales from where she is standing with her hands down a box marked _Carmilla's clothes_. Carmilla looks over to her. "This isn't yours right", Laura asks and holds up a yellow top, washed out to the point where it's almost more beige than yellow. Laura tries her hardest not to laugh, but the thought of Carmilla wearing that top is nothing else than hilarious.

"It was", Carmilla admits and they both burst out laughing. Laura tosses the top on the pile of cloths on the bed that she proclaimed to be the waste pile two boxes earlier.

"Doesn't people clear out most of their old stuff when they move". 

When she looks to Carmilla she sees her biting down on her lip, clenching her jaws. It's reactions like that that makes her wonder about Carmilla and her background, but it also makes her more and more sure about the fact that whatever she is carrying it's not Laura´s place to force it out of her.

"We didn't really have time for that", Carmilla says and continues to sort through the box she has in front of her. 

Laura frowns softly and wets her lips before she opens her mouth. "So you moved in a hurry?".  
Once again she watches Carmilla clench her jaws, then she breathes out and runs a hand through her hair before moving on to a new box. "Why?". 

Laura knows she is about to cross the line Carmilla spent all week drawing up between herself and every other person she has met this far. But she has a feeling that she will never get any answers unless she asks for them.

"It was for the best", Carmilla answers with a harsh voice, but it's not directed at Laura. 

Even though she doesn't know that for sure. Maybe she's just hoping.

Laura moves over to the bed and sits down on the side closest to Carmilla, who has turned her back to her. Laura watches Carmilla, but all she sees is a back that is tense and hands that pull and pull at clothes but she doesn't remove any from the box.

"Carmilla", Laura says to break the silence. "Can I ask you something?". 

Carmilla chuckles and for a moment she relaxes, but then again you can't laugh if you're all tensed up. But the tension in her muscles is still there when she stops.

"I thought you've already done that, cupcake", she answers with a smirk on her lips. She straightens and turns her head enough to look at Laura, who looks back at her with an empty look. Carmilla sighs. "Go ahead, ask me", she says and moves the box to the side so she can sit down on the on the sill of the window.

"What is it that actually bothers you about this place?", Laura asks with a straight face. 

Carmilla looks surprised, maybe she was preparing for something a bit more personal. Yet, this is personal too. 

(But that doesn't Laura know.)

Carmilla smirks once again, but it's filled with pain. Laura waits, and watches.

"I don't hate it here", Carmilla breaths out and looks down at her hands that are rubbing her knuckles. "I just", she is unable to finish the sentence. She wets her lips and she breathes out again. Laura wonders if she actually crossed that line and should say something, but then Carmilla looks up again. "I didn't think that I would be here a year ago", is finally what she gives as an answer. It´s a vague answer, but Laura knows that it is as clear as anything could ever be too. 

She smiles, but not in the way Carmilla gotten used to by now. This is a smile that contains a history. A memory. Pain.

“I understand that”, she exhales and Carmilla looks immediately intrigued by this new side of her.

“Care to enlighten me?”, Carmilla asks. 

Laura chuckles, bites her lip and then leans in closer to Carmilla with a wicked smile smeared all over her face. “You have to get a couple of drinks in me first”.

“I think that can be arranged”, Carmilla responds and leans back against the window. 

That reminds Laura and she looks back at the nightstand where she placed Carmilla´s alarm clock that she found in one of the boxes. It´s actually just about to hit the three-hour mark. 

“Do you have to go?”.

“No, not necessarily”, she replies and thinks that she can see a little twitch in the corner of Carmilla's mouth. Maybe she used to smile more, and the twitching is all there's left.

“So what´s this party anyway”, Carmilla asks. “Do I have to dress up?”, she continues with her sarcastic voice. Laura hums and inspects the clothes she is wearing. She looks good. _As usual_.

“It´s just a normal party, the lacrosse team, some girls, booze and maybe some skinny dipping”, Laura answers and Carmilla laughs.

“Well then”, she says as she leans back against the window again.

“You don't have to change, you look good”, Laura comments as Carmilla tugs at the hem of her black shirt. "Black suits you". Carmilla looks away, but Laura doesn't notice the slight flash of red over her cheeks as the turns. 

Carmilla leaves her place as they hear the door downstairs open and then being shut close. Carmilla walks over to her door with quick movements, almost tripping over a stack of empty boxes.

“Carmilla!”, a woman´s voice calls out and Carmilla leans out into the hallway.

“I'm up here”, she yells back. Laura leans back on her elbows with her eyes fixed at Carmilla, she can see how Carmilla glances over at her but turns back before they lock eyes.

“Is Will home?”.

“No. And I don't think he'll be home before tonight”, Carmilla answers before she closes the door as they can hear the sound of heels walking on the parquet floor on below them. 

“Sorry, I didn't know she was coming home this early”, she says to Laura who responds with a smile.

“It´s okay”, she says with her eyes still fixed at Carmilla. “Where were we”, she mumbles and then smirks. “Yeah, clothes. Do you have anything to wear, that is unpacked?”. 

Carmilla snorts. “So this isn't good enough for you all of sudden? What happened to 'black suits you'?”. Laura can't help but smile as Carmilla pouts at her for just a moment. "You should know, or have you decided that everything should be tossed?", Carmilla adds with her eyes locked on hers. Laura smiles once again and leans further back on her arms.

"Show me what you got", she demands. Carmilla shakes her head, but heads over to her closet and Laura's eyes falls down to Carmilla´s legs as she passes the bed. 

Laura nods satisfied in the mirror behind Carmilla back. Carmilla is wearing a pair of low cut leather pants and a black and white striped blouse. She is showing a bit of skin and even though Laura tries her hardest not to look down at her pale stomach she does. And at Carmilla's bare arms. And her neck when Carmilla pulls her hair to one side. _Beautiful_. Laura is abruptly woken up from her thoughts as her phone start vibrating in her pocket. She clears her throat as she turns around, giving Carmilla her back.

"Hello?", she answers while still feeling a bit flushed.

_"Hi little nerd hottie"_ , Kirsch replies and Laura immediately cracks a smile.

"Kirsch, what have I told you about calling me that". She turns around. Carmilla is now looking at her in the reflection of the mirror.

Kirsch laughs. _"Sorry"_. 

"What do you want?", Laura asks and jerks her eyes up to meet Carmilla's. She is smiling, but just barely.

_"Would you mind coming over and help me set up for the party?"_. Kirsch has that ability to sound like child when he's trying to be smooth and Laura giggles. She then watches Carmilla turn towards her.

"When?", Laura replies as she backs up against Carmilla's bed and sits down.

_"Like now?"_ , Kirsch says followed by a little giggle. Laura bites the corner of her lip and looks up at Carmilla. Laura puts her hand over the phone.

"Do you want to come with me to Kirsch's? He needs some help". Carmilla seems to be thinking about her options and then she shrugs her shoulders. Laura takes that as a yes and puts her phone back to her ear. "Sure, I'll be there", she says to Kirsch who answers with a cheering sound on the other end.

_"Nice, see you hot... Laura"_ , he corrects himself and Laura shakes her head.

"See you soon", she says and ends the call. _He's never going to change_ , she thinks. She runs a hand through her hair before looking up from the floor. "You don't have to come unless you want to", she continues while giving Carmilla an apologising look.

"I have nothing better to do", the black haired girl answers. "C'mon, let's not keep your boy waiting", she says as she opens the door. Laura smirks and follows.

\--

Kirsch smiles at his phone before he locks it and puts it in the pocket of his letterman jacket. He can always count on Laura. When he turns around he spots Will removing his shoulder pads. “Karnstein, I´ll see you later? At my house”.

Will nods as he picks up his things. He got a red mark over his forehead, just like the other guys. The result of wearing those big and awkward helmets.

“Sure, I just need to get some things at the library”, he answers and Kirsch nods in his direction.

The rest of the team joins Will and they head to the locker room. Coach Peterson is talking to Charlie at the bleachers, Kirsch hears him mentioning something about Charlie´s lack of motivation. Kirsch bites his chin, Charlie had a bad day, but saying that he lacks motivation is just wrong. Kirsch bolts off towards the parking lot before the field has been cleared out and throws his bag into the backseat of his Escalade. His mobile vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out as he digs in the others for his keys.

**SJ (4:37pm): How´s practise?**

**Kirsch (4:51pm): Fine, I got a few good ones in**

**SJ (4:54pm): Wanna come over?**

**Kirsch (4:55pm): I need to get ready for tonight**

**SJ (4:57pm): Do you need help, I can try and hurry this up**

**Kirsch (4:57pm): No no, I´ll get it ready**

**Kirsch (4:58pm): Take your time babe**

**SJ (5:02pm): Do you got anyone else to help you?**

**Kirsch (5:03pm): Yeah Will**

**SJ (5:07pm): No one else?**

**Kirsch (5:09pm): No babe, I got to go. See you tonight**

Kirsch sighs and opens the driver's door to jump in. He hates lying to Sarah-Jane, but if there's something his girlfriend can't stand it´s the thought of him spending too much time with Laura. And too much time is any amount of time. He puts the key in the ignition and turns it, making the engine growl wonderfully smooth and he takes a deep breath before turning on the radio.

\--

"He's not my _boy_ , just for the record". 

Carmilla smirks as she listens to Laura's attempt to explain herself, which is totally unnecessary since she explained their relationship status earlier.

"Relax sweetheart", Carmilla says with a smirk when they reach the hallway. She shoots an eye into the kitchen from where she can hear her mother muttering. "I'm just messing with you". She can't see her mother, which settles her a bit to be honest.

"Well, don't do it around his girlfriend", Laura comments and Carmilla looks over at her putting her shoes on. Laura frowns and looks obviously uncomfortable talking about Kirsch girlfriend, whom Carmilla yet haven't meet in person. She has just watched her dig for gold the previous morning by using her tongue down Kirsch's neck. "She's the jealous type". 

Carmilla hums.

"They're the most amusing ones", she says and Laura laughs.

"Not SJ, she goes ballistic on everyone", Laura replies followed by another frown. Carmilla is about to comment when the sound of heels on parquet floor closes in on her.

"Carmilla?", Carmilla mother asks behind her and she turns. "I thought I heard you... Oh, who is this?". Her gaze falls on Laura by the door over Carmilla's shoulder. Carmilla tightens her jaws and clears her throat before turning so she can look over at Laura too.

"This is Laura Hollis", she says and her mother walks past her to shake hands with the brunette.

"Nice to meet you mám", Laura sounds as polite as Carmilla would expect her to and extends her hand.

"Same to you, Laura", Carmilla´s mother says with a smile. But when she looks over at Carmilla there's nothing left of it. Carmilla feels her stomach twist and she wishes for Laura to say something so she as an excuse to get out of there, fast.

"You have a beautiful home", Laura compliments and attract the eyes of Carmilla's mother again.

"Thank you, we still have some arrangements to do but it's starting to feel like a home we can get used to", her mother say and stresses the last part before looking over at Carmilla who is still standing over at the stairs. "Doesn't it Carmilla?". As her name leaves her mother's lips the pit in Carmilla's stomach widens and she feels like if her lungs are pressed together, making it impossible for her to breath. 

"It does", Carmilla answers and then presses her lips together. "We should go", she says shooting a look to Laura. The brunette seems unaware about the tension in the air and smiles politely at Carmilla's mother.

"It was nice to meet you”, she says and Carmilla watches her mother smile at Laura. The unsettling feeling grows as she sees that and she moves over to the door where she puts on her shoes as fast as possible.

"Come back any time", her mother says and lets Laura out of the door. But when the brunette leaves her eyes shot over to Carmilla. "We are going to have a discussion about this”, she says with a low voice, but it is filled with more shades of anger than Carmilla wants to acknowledge. Carmilla swallows and meets her mother´s gaze, just because she has to or she would have to hear that voice again.

"Yes mother”, she answers and almost runs out the door. When she looks back over her should her mother is still standing at the door. Carmilla tries to shake of the unsettling feeling as she walks over to Laura's car. In which Laura is already seated and ready to go.

\--

They arrive at Kirsch house fifteen minutes later. Laura parks at side of the road and walks up to the door with Carmilla dragging behind her. Laura noticed that she was a bit tense when they left her house, she still seems to be when they approach the front door. Laura doesn't ring the bell, she just walks in. This is practically her second home. She doesn't remember the last time she rang the bell or asked to come in. This has always been a part of her and so is the boy swearing from a distance.

"Kirsch", she calls out.

"I'm in the kitchen!".

Laura waits for Carmilla and then leads her to the kitchen. They find Kirsch stacking beer into the fridge, with three six-packs in his arms and another one in his hands as he struggles to place it on the shelf without dropping it all. Laura grabs the beer from his hands and rolls her eyes at him. 

"Thank you", he says with a sigh.

When he has put all of them in and shut the fridge he wipes his hands on his jeans and turns to her. "Hey", he says with a smile and gives Laura a big hug. She disappears in his arms for a good second. She has always loved his hugs and their ability to make her feel small, but in a good way. In that 'you are safe and sound her with me' kind of way. She then remembers Carmilla and takes a step to the side.

"I brought more help", she says and smiles hopefully at Carmilla. Who seems to evaluate the situation with a suspicious eye, but she then relaxes and almost smiles back at them. Almost. Laura can work with that. And she breathes out quietly. It has become very clear to her that Carmilla isn't a people person, she seems to just tolerate those around her at the very most.

"I'm Carmilla".

"Yeah yeah, you're that hot chick in Biology". Laura bites her tongue and gives Kirsch a hard look, but he doesn't notice it. "You probably know my girlfriend, SJ". Carmilla smirks and seems to be amused all of sudden

"More know off". _And seen_. Laura remembers LaFontaine´s elaborative explanation of Carmilla's first experience seeing the happy two the previous morning. Apparently they had put up quite a show. Laura shrugs of that thought and turns to Kirsch.

"What did you want help with?".

"Setting things up, pretty much". Kirsch wipes his hands on his jeans once again. "You know, just hide all the things that will get trashed and get out some snacks or something". 

Laura nods and heads over to the cupboard over the sink to grab some plastic mugs, one of the things that you always can be found in the Kirsch household. Kirsch joins her and helps her take down two big bowls. She peeks over at Carmilla, who has retreated to her phone with a much bored expression.

Kirsch hums on something that sounds embarrassingly much like _Bye Bye Bye_ originally sung by N-Sync, which isn't the kind of music you'd expect to find on Kirsch's playlist. Laura's pretty sure though that it's SJ who has brainwashed him with her lack of taste in music. He looks like he's about to do something with the bowls he took down when he suddenly stops and turns to Laura. "Bro can you grab my phone, it's upstairs. And that cable thingy to the stereo". 

The thought had actually gone through her mind when they entered the kitchen - it was well too quiet. She turns to Carmilla who's still just standing there at the fridge looking very uninterested, maybe even a bit confused, now without her phone at least. Laura holds back the feeling of wanting to tell her that it's okay to relax and walks up to her instead.

"Come on”, she says and steers Carmilla towards the staircase with on hand on her shoulder. “I´'ll show you the rest of the house". She thinks that she can see a little smile on Carmilla´s face when she walks up the stairs to guide her up to the second floor. It could be because of relief, she knows Carmilla doesn't particularly like Kirsch. She hopes that will change. "This is his room", she says and points to the room with the blue walls. 

She lets Carmilla walk in first, as she has notice she usually does for her.

"You seem homeish here", Carmilla comments and slides her hand over the backs of the books in Kirsch's bookshelf. It's mostly war related autobiographies and some sci-fi novels.

"I am", Laura says with a half-smile.

“How long have you known each other?”.

Laura hides another smile, an old one, behind her palm before she lets the same hand travel up to her hair and smooth it over. “Our mothers knew one another, so we grew up together”, she tells Carmilla who watches her with a careful eye. “He´s been my friend since forever”.

“Sounds nice”, Carmilla says and Laura looks at her. She seems exposed by some unknown reason.

“How about you?”, Laura asks before she can stop herself.

Carmilla laughs with a confused look on her face. “What about me?”.

“There must be someone in your life, they might not be as annoying as Kirsch but-”.

 

“There´s not”, Carmilla interrupts and all of a sudden she's stone cold. As she has turned several times during the week, most times without Laura understanding why. “Believe me, there´s no one”, Carmilla tells her with a serious face and Laura bites back the questions she's dying to ask.

\--

“Hey bro”, Will greets Kirsch as he steps into the kitchen, finding his captain standing at the counter with his phone in his hands. “Have I missed anything?”.

“No dude, no one's here yet”, Kirsch says and fist bumps with him as he goes to stand next to the counter. Kirsch continues to play on his phone. “Just your sister”.

Will furrows his brows. “Carmilla´s here?”.

“Yeah, she´s upstairs. I asked her and Laura to go grab my phone like twenty minutes ago”, he says eyes locked to the phone and the car he´s trying to steer to the finish line. Will swallows hard and his nails dig into the countertop. “Maybe they got lost”, Kirsch adds with a laugh.

“Yeah”, Will answers dryly.

“What´s up with you?”, Kirsch asks and pauses the game. He looks up at Will with a searching eye. “You´re doing that face”.

“Shut up, I´m not doing anything”, Will replies along with a light bunch to Kirsch shoulder. Kirsch makes an exaggerated sound and hurt look. “What do you want me to do?”, Will asks and tries his hardest to forget about Carmilla.

\--

Four guys from her English class are playing beer pong in the kitchen, two of which Will introduced as players on the team. Which of course means that Carmilla´s supposed to interact with them from now on, at least that's what Will's probably hoping. He´s been acting weird all night, making small comments about her and how she's behaving. Carmilla hasn't seen him like this since this summer. It's not something she wants to relive. Luckily, Kirsch dragged him out with a bunch of the other player from the lacrosse team for some initial thingy for the ´fresh meat´ as he called them.

Carmilla´s two beers in and between them she took three shots when Will wasn´t looking, mostly because she could but also to piss him off seeing her drunk. Which is what she is- drunk. She hasn´t been for longer than she wants to remember, or can remember. Times seems to be insignificant and for all she knows it doesn't matter, what does matter is that she's not getting drunk for the same reasons as before.

She's sitting in the living room couch, watching the people around her. They have become a bit blurry, but it doesn't bother her. The talk is the same as it always is. Watching them is calming, almost numbing, which is what she needs after the week she's had. Carmilla spots a tall redhead making her way through the crowd, doing high-fives and fist bumps with pretty much everyone. She's the girl version of Kirsch, they both got the height and seemingly people's attention as soon as they walk into a room. The girl turns by some reason and Carmilla notices her smile, which doesn't fit the way her shoulders tense up or that there´s now growing tension around that smile. She'd like to know the reason behind that face, because she's learned that every face has a story.

Carmilla takes a sip of her beer, the taste doesn't bother her anymore, and as she does another girl appears at the tall one´s side. Laura. Carmilla knows that she's drunk too much, because Laura shouldn't look like that. She shouldn't shine the way she does through these blurry lenses. With a bitter taste at the back of your mouth Carmilla swallows hard.

“Carmilla!”.

Laura makes her way through the crowd, with the tall redhead in tow. Carmilla can't help but   
tense up as well as her eyes helplessly follow Laura´s movements. 

“Hey”, Laura greets her along with a sober smile. 

“Cupcake”.

The flash of red on Laura's cheeks isn't easy to catch in this light, still Carmilla does and it warms hers too. Laura turns to the redhead who´s been quiet so far, something tells Carmilla that that´s not the usual behaviour for the unknown girl.

“So you´re the new girl”, the redhead says and Carmilla wants to laugh. Something tells her that that isn't the last time she'll hear that tonight, it isn't the first time that´s for sure.

“This is Danny”, Laura explains and her name fills out some blanks Carmilla yet hasn't been able to fill. She might be the new girl, but she's still been able to pick up some things - one of them being the name of one Danny Lawrence.

“Nice to meet you”, Carmilla says with just the right amount of sarcasm. Enough so that the redhead notices it and furrows her brow at her.

“You too. I´ll go get something to drink, you want anything?”, Danny replies and turns the question to Laura.

“No, I'm fine”.

Danny leaves with disappointment written all over her face. Carmilla hums for herself, until Laura looks at her with a questioning look.

“You two okay?”, she asks and Laura bites her lips too obviously. That´s really all the answer Carmilla needs, while Laura tries her hardest to cover it up.

“We're fine. Why?”.

“Just asking”.

Carmilla shrugs her shoulders all while Laura frowns at her, but that frown fades and they both fall down onto the couch. Carmilla offers her a sip of her beer, but Laura declines with a smile.

“Not a drinker?”, Carmilla asks and Laura´s smile is wicked when she looks away.

“Not tonight”. There´s another story Carmilla would like to hear, but she's not drunk enough to ask for it. “Oh shit”, Laura exhales and Carmilla looks around to see what she reacted to.

“What?”.

“Ehm”. Laura doesn't say anything more, doesn't have the time. Because out from nowhere a blonde girl appears, wearing a harsh and bitter expression. Laura swallows back a laughter, that only makes Carmilla laugh too and she dries it with a mouthful of beer.

The blonde marches up to the two of them, looks to Laura and then to Carmilla. A curiosity sweeps through her eyes, but it soon fades behind what Carmilla only can read as loath.

“You must be the new girl”, the blonde says and Carmilla struggles with not spitting the beer out right on her with laughter. Or irritation. There's only so many times she can listen to that statement before exploding. She makes a mental note to ask Will if he too has to live through this boring acknowledgment.

“So I've gathered”.

Laura coughs and touches Carmilla´s knee. “Carmilla, this is SJ”. Carmilla meets her eyes and they are full with amusement. “Kirsch´s girlfriend”.

“Oh, so you're the one”, Carmilla replies and meets the blonde girl's unappealing gaze- too dark for her taste, the kind of dark that doesn't fire her heart.

SJ eyes her up and down a few times, before smiling a little too proudly and then turning to Laura. “Laura, have you seen Kirsch?”.

“He´s with the team, I think. Have you seen Will?”, Laura asks Carmilla and she smirks.

“I'm not my brother's keeper. I trust him to keep an eye on himself”.

Laura scoffs and her shoulders bump against Carmilla´s. The blonde huffs and the two of them shut up.

“Laura”, the blonde girl exclaims and turns on her heel.

They watch SJ storm out of the backdoor and Carmilla actually feels bad for Kirsch. No one needs a girl who´s that demanding. “Wow”, Carmilla breathes and Laura nudges Carmilla's shoulder.

“What did I tell you”.

“I can see why he likes her so much”, Carmilla says and Laura runs a hand through her hair. If there´s anything Carmilla has learned tonight, it´s that Kirsch and Laura are more than just two names put together in one sentence, more than two people that simply know each other. In many ways they remind her of Will and herself, at least what they once were. It makes her sad, at least on the influence of a little too much alcohol. “She's kinda cute”, Carmilla says before she takes a sip of her beer. In the corner of her eye Laura turns to her, surprised.

“Really?”.

“Yeah, not my type though”, Carmilla tells her and it´s true. She looks over at Laura, finds her reading her, at least trying. When Carmilla's eyes flicker down to Laura's mouth, something in the brunette's eyes change, but she says nothing. 

They both turn away.

\--

“Are you sure you're okay?”.

Carmilla looks back at her through glassy eyes, unable to focus at hers properly.

“Yes, kiddy. I´ll be fine”. When Carmilla steadies herself against the control panel, Laura bites back a little laughter. “I'm fine”, Carmilla repeats.

“I believe you”.

Carmilla flutter her eyes shut and lets herself fall back in her seat. Laura can't help but smile at the sight, she hasn't seen Carmilla this relaxed and out of control since they met. She's not sure there´s anybody as uptight as Carmilla, which intrigues her in a way she can't really explain.

“Thank you”, Carmilla breathes, eyes still shut.

“For what?”.

“The drive. Tonight. This week”, Carmilla says and opens her eyes, she tilts her head to the side to look at Laura. “Shall I go on?”.

“Do you have anything else to thank me for?”, Laura asks with a tender tone to her voice.

Carmilla's face changes slowly, what a moment before was happy turns into sad, dark and heart-breaking sadness. One Laura caught glimpse of during the week. Carmilla breathes out heavy and turns forward again. “Not you, no”.

“Hey”. Laura touches Carmilla's hand resting on her thigh, lightly. Not enough to make Carmilla turn back to her. “If you need anything, call me. Okay?”.

Carmilla nods slowly. Then she opens the car door and slips out. She stops before shutting it close and meets Laura´s gaze.

“Goodnight”.

“Goodnight, Carmilla”, Laura replies with a little smile.

She waits for Carmilla to get to the front porch, only then can she drive away without worrying that she won't fall over and end up sleeping on the front lawn.

\--

She turns at the door to catch the sight of Laura´s reverse lights. Carmilla sighs, she knows that she's said too much, this night, this past week, has been too much. Her tongue slipped occasionally during the night, often in Laura's company. All she can wish for is that she won't remember anything in the morning, and that Laura will see her slip ups as the result of too much alcohol. Carmilla turns the key in its lock and it clicks in response, making it possible for her to open the door with a slight turn of her hand on the handle. She takes a deep breath before pushing the door open, it does so silently and she steps inside with quiet steps. The house is dark and she dares to breathe out again. She turns and shuts the door behind her. With a little satisfied smile she dares to relax again. For a moment at least.

Because then the lights are turned on.

Carmilla feels her heart thump hard in her chest and she steels herself before she turns around once again, this time to find her mother sitting at the table. She looks calm. Too calm.

“Carmilla”.

Carmilla´s jaws tighten and she has to force herself to answer without shaking. “Mother”.

She decides that it's better to flee than to fight, especially when it comes to fighting her mother. Carmilla doesn't bother to take of her jacket, she only sets off for the stairs in such a hurry she almost trips over herself. 

“Don't you dare”, her mother warns her with a steady voice.

“I dare many things, mother. Walking is only one of them”, she replies sharply and it tastes sweet on the tip of her tongue. She doesn't stop, even though she should know better than to not obeying her mother.

“Carmilla!”. She stops before her foot touches the first step of the stairs. “I will not have this end like last time”.

“This is nothing like last time!”, Carmilla bites back and turns to look at her mother, who´s now standing at the table, observing Carmilla. “I just had fun, with friends, like you wanted me to!”.

“I _want_ you to behave yourself and get back to normal”. That answer shakes Carmilla´s nerves in ways nothing else can, there´s something absolute terrifying about her mother's calmness.

“Maybe this is normal for me”, Carmilla replies and turns back to the stairs.

“No it´s not”, an old voice whispers behind her and Carmilla shakes her head. “I miss the girl you used to be Carmilla”.

“Sorry mother, but she died a long time ago”.

She hears the soft voice behind her as her mother sighs out of exhaustion. “I know. I think _he_ does too”. 

Carmilla stops and swallows hard, but she can't turn around. If she does she'll lose, and she can't lose herself again, not around her mother, not in this state. She forces herself to keep walking although she just wants to fall down and meet the floor.

But that isn't something Carmilla Karnstein does.

\--

**3rd of September 2012 __**

“Freshmans. Welcome. Hope you're well rested”, the elderly man exclaims as he leans back against the blackboard. “Now, let's get on with this right away. Hell doesn't wait on no one”.

“Is he always like this?”, a blonde girl asks quietly behind her, not high enough to actually be a question for any of the students sitting in their benches around her.

But she turns in her seat anyway and meets the girl’s blue eyes. “Yes, better get used to it”. The blonde girl looks surprised at first, then a little smile plays over her lips. _Cute_. “I'm Carmilla Karnstein”.

“Ell Hendrix”.

Carmilla smiles bigger and nods towards the man. “He´s actually one of the better teachers at this godforsaken place”.

“How do you know?”, she asks and there´s so much life in her eyes. So much more than what possibly could be held in one body alone, still her eyes shine with the life of a dozen lives.

“I know some of the seniors”, Carmilla answers with a shrug of her shoulders.

Ell´s smile is wicked. “Oh you're that girl”.

“If by _that_ girl you mean the one whose mother works with the mother whose daughter is the captain of the track team who happens to go to our school”. Carmilla watches Ell´s cheek fluster and it satisfies her in ways she can't describe in words. “Then yes, I'm _that_ girl”.

“Sorry”.

Carmilla bites her lip. She's intrigued by this girl, there´s simply something about her, and those eyes are enough to keep Carmilla interested. _There has to be a story behind those eyes_ , she thinks. “Don't apologize. We did date, for like a year”, she explains and the fluster on Ell´s cheeks fades.

“Yeah?”.

“Yeah, even married”, Carmilla tells her and Ell frowns in confusion. “We were in kindergarten”, Carmilla says with a tender smile.

The blonde looks like she's been caught stealing something by the red on her cheeks and shaking smile. “Oh shit, I'm so sorry”, Ell breathes and Carmilla has to stop herself from laughing. Ell shakes her head at herself.

“Stop it”, Carmilla says and tilts her head to the side so that she can lock eyes with the blonde girl. They do and something sparks behind those blue wonders. "You're not the first to think so highly of me".

Ell's mouth falls open and Carmilla catches the sound of her gasping, triggering a smirk to form on her own lips.

“Let's start with something simple, you have of course read the books that you were listed over the summer”, the man says and with it demands everyone's attention. Carmilla turns back forward to give him hers, but then she feels compelled to turn back again so she does.

“You can make it up to me by buying ice cream”, she tells Ell, who lights up and smiles once again. “After school?”, Carmilla proposes.

“Sure”.

Carmilla turns back forward and gets her notepad out, with the growing feeling of satisfaction settling in her core. Her mind is already filled with blue wonders.


	3. Nice to meet you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one with a lot of mysterious Carmilla situations and awkward silences, also flashback happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if anyone is still reading this, if you are: Thank you and I´m sorry for the wait. Please leave a comment and yell on me or something.

_**28th of September 2014** _

There's a few things in life that put a smile to a tired and newly awake Laura Hollis. One of those things is waking up to the sun shining through her bedroom window to ease her out of her dreams. She doesn't need to check her clock to know that it's early. She's her own clock and it was set a long time ago to wake up before 9 am. It's ridiculous really, but she hasn't slept in since forever. Some part of her figures that it's just a part of her biology, others claim that she's too worried about missing out to let herself sleep for longer than necessary. It might just be in her blood considering that her father is just the same.

She stretches out before throwing off the sheets and sitting up with her feet comfortable placed on the floor. Her alarm clock reads 8.30 am. The sun is warm and tender against her face and she allows herself to close her eyes for a moment, to embrace the warmth before standing up and putting on a pair of sweatpants. She leaves the t-shirt she slept in on and heads to the kitchen.

She can spot her father's back from the hallway and the smell of coffee in the air wakes her up a little. The floorboard in the doorway creaks under her weight. 

“Good morning”.

“Morning”, Laura answers and goes to give her father a hug. He embraces her and then places a soft kiss to her cheek. With a tender smile on her lips she stretches for the milk and cereal box before sitting down at the island next to him. 

“Are you doing something today?”, he asks and takes a sip of his black coffee with two sugars, bitter and good for the stomach as he used to say when she was a kid, it's probably burning his lips numb as much as it's steaming.

“I don't know yet. Maybe I´ll go the library or something. I need to get a couple of assignments done before Wednesday”.

“Take the car. I´m going to grade papers all day”, he replies with an exhausted look.

“It was Shakespeare right?”, she asks as she stirs in the bowl. He nods and finishes the coffee, as he puts the cup back down he does that cringing face. Yup, it's bitter. “They didn't do that well?”.

He scoffs tiredly and stands up to walk around to the other side. “Not the ones I've read so far. I swear to god, if I read another reference to _Shakespeare in love_ , I´ll quit”.

Laura smiles, knowingly that he wouldn't give up teaching for the world. But she hums anyway. He looks up from where he stopped at the sink, smiles back at her and puts the cup in the sink. When he passes her he whispers a quiet and tender 'I love you'. She can hear his steps as he continues down the hall and into his study.

\--

She slumbers down the stairs, with one-foot landing against the wood with a thump and the other following with the same sound. Her head aches and feels heavy on her neck. She knows that it´s not possibly that she'd still be hungover, but in this moment it does feel possible. The fact that she´s sleep like shit all last week and not any better this last one either after the uplifting argument with her mother, slips her mind. She's good at that, at not remembering or paying attention to things like that. Mostly because it has to do with her mother and that is reason enough to forget pretty much anything. It´s not that hard either, really all she has to do is living this pathetic life of hers.

She stops at the bottom step, listens for any sound coming from the kitchen and to her relief, there´s nothing. 

The whole house is quiet. No surprise really, her mother seems to keep her promise of being abnormally busy with the company and all. And Will, well he doesn't wake up before noon. Carmilla doesn't either, normally, but the pounding headache woke her up and even though she tried to ignore it she couldn't for that long. After a half-hearted attempt at going back to sleep and ending up twisting around in her sheets, there wasn't any other way out of feeling like someone had been using her head as a punching bag than to get up and get some water in her.

As she shuffles into the kitchen, going straight for the sink and getting the water running, a voice in the back of her head whispers that it's too easy. She could take a couple of painkillers, to take the edge off. She knows where mother keeps all of the prescriptions, in the cabinet above the linen closet in her bedroom - she saw her put them there through the doorway. 

Her mother doesn't know that she knows, if she did she would move them right away.

Carmilla pushes that voice further back into the depths of the darkness overshadowing her mind, with the hope that it will drown in that darkness. But it never does. She takes a few mouthfuls of ice cold water straight from the tap. It shoots pain through her teeth, but it quickly disappears as she swallows back that last mouthful.

The fresh memory of waking up the day after Kirsch´s party, the morning after encountering her mother in the dark of their living room when she stumbled in drunk, has been picking at her mind since she opened her eyes. No, it has been picking at it for the last week. Carmilla can't quite remember how much she had to drink, around the fifth shot of tequila the night rapidly turned more and more blurry. She wasn't that drunk though, she knows that much. But that is something her mother never have taken into consideration. Even though she should be happy that Carmilla didn't come home in a worse state, or even came home in the first place.

That's some progress at the very least.

The whole Saturday felt like one big and never ending argument. No matter what she did or say, her mother was there with her judgmental eyes and harsh tone. Carmilla knows better by now not to argue back and simply let it pass over her head, or fall on her back. Maybe it could, in another universe, act as a sinker to keep her grounded. But in reality, in the harsh world that has been Carmilla´s life for what feels like a more than a dozen lifetimes, that extra weight on her back only makes her feel out of breath, weak, pressured and inadequate. 

And she also knows, that that was only the beginning. Because her mother doesn't hold a grudge. She only never lets anything go until she believes that Carmilla has proven that she won't ever repeat the same mistake ever again. Which is unfortunate for them both considering that their views on mistakes have never lined up.

With a heavy sigh leaving her lips Carmilla ruffles her hair and retreats to the comfort of the couch, puts on the TV to get rid of the quiet and closes her eyes as she waits for the headache to slowly let go.

\--

**Danny (9:37am): You better not be slacking with cardio**

**E (9:41am): Dammit D I'm busy**

**Danny (9:42am): Better be busy training**

**E (9:45am): Yeah yeah, I did that this morning**

**Danny (9:51am): Good, cuz I'm gonna kick your ass tomorrow**

**E (9:54am): You wish. Btw what did Laura say?**

**Danny (10:03am): I haven't asked her yet**

**E (10:07am): Why?**

**Danny (10:11am): I can't see her right now**

**E (10:12am): What did you do?**

Danny doesn't even have the time to ruffle together an answer, a bad one and honestly the only one she could think of, before the screen lights up and Elsie´s caller ID pops up. With a long intake of stuffy basement air she takes the call with a lump growing in her stomach.

 _”Are you serious?!”_ , the familiar voice scolds her. 

Danny mumbles in response, hoping that Elsie doesn't hear but the loud sigh on the other end is clearly provoked by her more or less silent reply. She doesn't need to say it, the disadvantage of being friends with someone as Elsie who can and will read anyone within seconds. And when it comes to Danny and her history with Laura, Elsie doesn't need to guess twice what she has done.

 _“Why did you do that?”_ , the same voice asks with disappointment dripping off of every word.

“Do you really think that I meant it like that”, Danny replies with sarcasm, but also with the feeling of guilt.

_”I'm surprised she's even speaking to you. Because I wouldn´t”._

“Elise!”

_”I mean, come on Danny! It´s just-”._

“Elsie, shut up or you're off the team”, she yells into the phone.

On the other end, Elise only sighs, heavily. Then she says with a little less irritation to her voice, _”you need to get your shit together, D. And apologies to Laura, like right now”._

“I know. I know”, Danny replies and hides her eyes with the other hand, overwhelmed with guilt.

\--

**Laura H. (11:09am): I'm taking you out for lunch**

**Laura H. (11:10am): I promise to have you back in time for your hour of brooding alone in your room**

**Laura H. (11:13am): what's your take on burgers?**

**Laura H. (11:32am): I'll be at your house in 10 minutes**

**Carmilla (11:35am): as you command cupcake**

\--

He sips the bag close and throws it in the direction of the front door. It lands with a scraping sound. He can already feel the scratch on floor panel under his fingers, or really he can _imagine_ it and that's perfectly enough to make him cringe. A heavy sigh rolls of his lips and he rubs at his temple. _Mother is going to kill me_ , he thinks and nods to himself. The ache within his skull is low and growling, like an engine and not a stab with a knife. He can´t remember the last time he didn't have one of these headaches at least once a week. Maybe it´s been a year. It´s more than possible. His view on time has changed a lot over the last few years, so minutes or months don't really matter, all that makes any sense is living another day without…

He is forced out of his thoughts as Carmilla comes descending down the stairs.

She throws him a look, filled with boredom, stained with everlasting pain. He would know that look from miles. It always makes the hair on the back of his neck rise, as if he´s put in danger. But he knows better than to believe that - he has never been the one in danger.

“Hello brother”, she says and continues for the door.

Will frowns, with the fresh memory of mother yelling at Carmilla and telling her to stay put until she no longer was grounded. “Where are you going?”.

“Out”.

“Carmilla-”, he tries and goes after her, but stops when she turns her head to look at him again. Eyes dark with contempt.

“If mother asks, tell her that I'm still sleeping or something”, she hisses and he can feel the shiver going down his spine.

“Where are you going?”.

“Lunch, with Laura”. Will takes another step with the purpose of trying to convince his sister to stay, to not go against their mother´s word. Carmilla sighs and he quiets down immediately, “calm down. Just make sure that she doesn't find out”.

“Carmilla”.

“I´ll call you when I'm on my way back”, she tells him before she opens the door and leaves him standing in the middle of the living room, watching her go. Just like all the times before. He never grows less anxious by each time she does that.

When he goes after her, she´s gone. He can hear the sound of a car further down the road. It has to be Laura´s considering that he got the only set of keys for his. He sighs and slumps to the side, to rest against the doorframe. _Carmilla. What are you doing?_

\--

He cracks his neck and relaxes his shoulders. His hands are already gripping the bar, he corrects his fingers and exhales slowly. When his lungs have taken another deep breath, he lifts the bar off its hooks.

“Come on now, ten and then you’re done”.

He laughs, which ends with his arms aching when he loses his concentration, but he pulls through and does as Will says. It burns down his arms and shoulders, his back arches a bit off the bench the last three times he pushes that bar up off his chest. As he, with Will's hands ready to take off some of the load as he follows the bars movement, counts to ten Will reaches for the bar and helps him secure it on its hooks again. When he sits up with satisfaction written all over his face, Will is hovering over the bar, but his eyes are locked on the head of the bench. He´s wearing a stern look in those eyes. A worrying shade falls over them.

“Hey, bro”. Kirsch waves his hand in front of Will´s face, breaking his eye contact with the cut in the leather of the bench.

Will shakes his head as if he´s caught himself on doing something. “Sorry”.

“Where did you go right now?”, Kirsch asks and does not show any signs of giving Will the chance to change places with him.

“What? Nowhere”, Will answers, a little too quickly.

“No, I know that look”, Kirsch says and stands up. Will doesn't move, but his worried shifting of his weight from one foot to the other leaves much to desire. Kirsch watches him for a while, partly waiting for him to say something and partly searching for something to say to him. Something that might help erase that heavy darkness behind Will's darkened eyes.

“It´s Carmilla”.

Kirsch quirks an eyebrow. “Okay?”, he replies and waits yet again for an answer. But there isn't one. Will just stands there, lip caught between his teeth, hands gripping tightly at the bar, quiet. “Are you going to elaborate on that one?”.

“She´s… I´m…”, Will sighs heavily and looks frustrated all of a sudden. “She shouldn't have gotten that drunk”.

“Are we talking about last Friday?”, Kirsch asks. “Come on, bro, nothing happened. She got a bit drunk, that's it. She's all good”.

“It´s not _like_ that”, Will whispers, almost too quietly for Kirsch to pick up on it. “Not with Carmilla”.

Kirsch frowns and folds his arms over his chest. “Dude, what are you saying?”.

When he asks that question, Will changes before his eyes. Like Kirsch woke him up from a trance, or incredibly deep thought. Will straightens up, smiles and shakes his shoulders.

“I don't know, I´m talking bullshit. Are we gonna do this”, he says and walks around the bar and sits down on the bench.

Kirsch watches him with a cautious eye, not believing a single word coming out of his mouth.

“Sure”. 

He takes Will's place and readies his hands below the bar as Will reaches up for it. But in his head Kirsch´s thoughts run wild. And even he knows that nothing good comes out of that.

\--

The little diner is quite comfy after all. Carmilla doesn't like it, nor hates it. So it places somewhere in the middle on that scale. Despite the fact that she hates the smell of nearly burned frying oil. Laura ordered two _Classic Burgers_ as soon as they entered the diner and then dragged Carmilla towards a booth, taking charge does not seem to bother her and Carmilla's too uninterested to care. She not even sure what she's doing here to begin with, spending the day in her bed would be so much comfier than really doing anything else.

“Are you done unpacking now?”, the brunette asks as she slides into the booth.

“Nope”.

Carmilla takes a seat across from her, sprawls out her legs under the table and fumbles a little with the edge of the table. There is a cut in the wood. Laura scoffs. “You're hopeless”.

“Oh thank you, cupcake”, she bites back and Laura rises an eyebrow at her tone. Carmilla didn't mean for it to come out that harsh. She's just on edge. First this whole week and then Will this morning. It gets to her head, as always.

“Tired?”.

Carmilla sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “You've got such an eye for details”.

“Okay, grumpy too, should have seen that coming”. Laura picks up her phone and fidgets with it. Carmilla stays quiet, looking nowhere special, only not directly at Laura. She knows she shouldn't have done what she did - getting drunk. It was a foolish mistake, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world. Only, her mother will never understand that. She will never get that sometimes Carmilla _needs_ to not feel anything at all. It´s nothing she feels addictive to, but it's handy when her mind is all bricks and stones, when her whole body feels wrong and misplaced. When she can't push back _those_ thoughts, in those moments this just easier to black out instead of crawling into fetal position and wait it out. She has never been good at that, holding onto a slim chance of hope and simply wait it out. “LaF and Perry are studying at the library later-”, Laura starts and Carmilla looks up to finding her studying her with careful eyes.

She stops her before she can finish the sentence. “Don´t. I'm really not up to playing with the gingers”. Laura opens her mouth again to speak, but Carmilla shakes her head. When the brunette exhales it´s a simple ‘fine’. Carmilla feels the sting in her chest, she shouldn't complain, Laura´s just trying to be a good person. Only if she knew that Carmilla needed the exact opposite, someone that could turn her inside out on the spot and wash her clean with the intention of filling her with a new darkness. Carmilla swallows back the tired sigh and looks behind the brunette. The doors to the diner swing open and three girls step in, one of which Carmilla recognizes, somewhat clear, from Kirsch´s party. She has most certainly seen her in school too, but that is out of the point. “Speaking of red”, she says and Laura hitches an eyebrow before turning her head to what Carmilla´s still looking at.

Carmilla notices Laura tensing up at the sight of the red haired girl. And she's not the only one - the amazon seems almost nervous as she lays eyes on the two of them. It almost looks like one of the other girls has to push her in their direction at first.

“Hi Laura”, a blonde girl says with a chipper voice as they stop at their booth. She glances in Carmilla's direction, only quickly before looking back at Laura.

Laura smiles back. It doesn't reach her eyes. “Elsie. This is-”.

“Carmilla”, the blonde fills in and turns her eyes to Carmilla, fully.

“Yeah”, Laura confirms. In the corner of her eye Carmilla can see Laura watching them, first the girl who introduced herself as Elsie and then Carmilla. She can't read the look, could have something to do with the fact that Elsie bores her eyes into Carmilla´s. They are bright and slightly greyish in this light, but Carmilla isn't fooled. They are blue, she knows it. Just the way she likes it.

“Hey”.

“Hi”, Carmilla answers lightly without breaking eye contact. Elsie's lips pull into a wicked little grin. Carmilla knows that smile all too well, knows how it can set her skin on fire and make her forget for a moment. She hasn't felt that smile against her thighs for weeks, felt the burning sensation linger long after they've pulled apart and she has sneaked back to wherever she lives. Those blue eyes flicker down to Carmilla's lips, one of which is slightly pulled in between her teeth as a challenge. When their eyes meet once again it's written all over those blue oceans and Carmilla can't help but huff at the thought of how predictable she is. 

One would even state that Carmilla has always been predictable. Obvious, at the very least.

“I'm Claire”, the girl with pinkish hair next to Elsie says and with it she breaks the silence that had fallen over them. Carmilla nods towards her and leans back in her seat, eyes falling back to find Laura's face. The brunette is still tense and in the corner of Carmilla's eye she can see the same tension in the tall girl beside her.

“Hi Laura”.

“Hey”, Laura answers quietly to Danny's greeting and Carmilla tries her very hardest not to smirk at the situation. 

_Maybe today won't be too bad after all._

The girl who introduced herself as Claire leaves the group after saying something about needed caffeine. The amazon shifts her weight from one leg to the other every other second, whilst Laura fiddles awkwardly with her fingers on the table. The only ones seeming somewhat normal are Carmilla and Elsie, both of which watch their company with hitched eyebrows and amused looks.

After what must be minutes of complete silence Elise coughs, very much forced, and nudges Danny's side with her elbow. The tall girl flinches at the touch, but doesn't say anything. “Danny has something to ask you”, Elsie then says and both Laura and Carmilla look up at them. Elsie's eyes are on Danny, there's some joy in those eyes bot mostly impatience. “Go on”, she tries and nudges Danny's side once again, harder this time, leaving Danny huffing in her direction before slowly lifting her gaze to meet Laura's.

“Next week, it's the kick-off party with the team, I thought that maybe-”. Carmilla almost chokes on the air as those words, but collects herself as Laura visibly tenses up even more.

“I can't”, the brunette interrupts. Carmilla shoots a look up to Elsie, who seems to be in the middle of rolling her eyes and sighing at the same time. “Sorry. It has nothing to do with…”, Laura continues and draws Carmilla's eyes back to her. She watches Laura's eyes flicker in her direction, they are stressed and there's more than enough tension around her mouth for her to understand that something is clearly wrong. And Carmilla wonders what she has missed. Carmilla hitches an eyebrow at that expression. Yes, she had noticed that there was something going on between the brunette and the amazon, but she hadn't gotten the impression that it was _this_ bad. Not bad enough to break the unbreakable smile always lingering in those brown eyes. “I got plans already”, Laura ends and Carmilla doesn't believe a single word coming from that girl.

“Oh, okay”.

Carmilla doesn't need to look up to catch the disappointed look on Danny's face. Because it's already reflected on Laura's. So she turns her gaze to Elsie instead, who is more or less staring at her tall companion trying to force something out of her.

But they all remain silent.

Carmilla couldn't be enjoying herself more even if Danny had skates on and slipped over her own feet like Bambi on ice. She doesn't know the girl in question, but whatever she did or whoever she is don't matter, because the look on Laura's face when she understood that Danny walked into the diner said more than enough. Then this. Carmilla has a hard time containing her laughter.

Although, she seems to be the only one who has no problem with this silence.

Elsie coughs once again and scratches at her neck. "So we are going to be over here, doing some... homework. See you guys tomorrow, yeah?", she says before putting both hands on Danny's shoulders and steering her away from their table. Carmilla's eyes follows them, or more like they follow Elsie until she no longer can do it without Danny catching her on it.

When she looks back up to the brunette, Laura's shaking her head slowly with slightly narrowed eyes. Although, there´s something that resembles amusement in those brown eyes and not just tension anymore.

\--

She does her best to not stare, she really does, but those dark lines under Carmilla's eyes attract Laura´s gaze. She looks like she´s gone without sleep since she got here. If it wasn't for the fact that Carmilla is the right side of badass, and not one of Laura's closest friends, she would recommend some beauty sleep or at the very least some eye cream for those bags.

Something have been nagging at Laura´s mind.

They didn't really talk after Friday night. They didn't talk or text over the weekend, at all. During the week Carmilla disappeared at the first sound of the bell at the end of each day and in class she was her normal quiet self. They must have exchanged less than ten sentences the last three days. Not that Laura had an unsatisfied need or anything that had to do with the mysterious girl sitting across from her. It was just strange. Carmilla´s behaviour that is. She had been different on Friday night, more relaxed and almost _open_ , both of which Laura had gathered weren't something she was.

There's just something that doesn't add up with Carmilla.

She can act all mysterious and indifferent. She can use harsh words and turn away at any given moment without bothering the slightest about what's going on around her. Yet, there are moments when her gaze locks on something, or when she tenses up like right out of the blue, or how she drifts away and when she's slung back into reality there's something in her eyes. Laura has seen it - the pain, the longing and all of the anxiety. Carmilla might be a good actress, she might be good at playing the part of the uncaring and lonely bad girl, but Laura has seen it in those dark eyes of hers. 

She wasn't always like this.

The thought crossed her mind when she first met Will and how he reacted to Carmilla's voice, how his eyes widened with surprise before the darkened with disappointment. Then it was her behaviour with their move and how she seemed on edge while they were unpacking some of her boxes. She seemed off. 

Kind of like right now.

Since Danny left their table, thanks to Elsie, Carmilla hasn't said a word. Though Laura can't really say that she didn't enjoy the lack of talking, her mind was busy enough buzzing on its own. It's been like this for the past week - quiet. It´s a new kind of quiet for Laura, but a comfortable one. Or maybe she tries to convince herself of that, to make Carmilla feel a little bit more comfortable.

So she stays silent.

//

After eating Laura offers to give Carmilla a ride home and Carmilla doesn't argue, which almost makes Laura stop in her tracks and eye her for any suspicious change that might have occurred during the silence. Carmilla spends the rode over on her phone, texting as it looks like, and all while wearing a stern expression.

At Carmilla's the other girl says her goodbye followed by her usual pick nickname. Laura doesn´t mind it, not really anyway, she´s getting used to the variation of pastry inspirational nicknames Carmilla has chosen for her. Although it was nice to hear her real name coming from Carmilla's lips, but since Carmilla was quite drunk at the time it does make Laura wonder if it´s worth it. After dropping her off Laura drives over to the library and just like she expected, she finds Perry´s car in the carpark.

She and LaFontaine are seated at their usual table in the far back of the library.

“Hey”, she says as she places her bag on the table to get her stuff out.

“Where have you been?”, LaFontaine asks as they look up from their lab rapport.

“I took Carmilla out to lunch”.

Perry lets out a scoff, “ah”, and Laura can see the other girl roll her eyes without actually seeing it.

Laura sighs and runs a hand through her hair, trying her best not to grit her teeth too much. Even though she's long out of patience and polite replies. When she's seated and Perry actually looks up at her, one eyebrow hitched of course, Laura can only sigh once again. “Don't, Per”, she tells her and opens up her math book.

“I didn't say anything”, Perry argues and they two of them share another glance, this time LaFontaine´s eyes jerk up to watch the exchange and there´s something cautious in them.

Laura´s ready to let it go and get to work, but when Perry opens her mouth again Laura´s stomach tightens.

"Have you talked to Danny?".

Yes, and it went really really well, a quiet voice says inside Laura's head and every word is stained with sarcasm.

“Okay, then”, LaFontaine cuts in, probably to avoid something setting on fire because that will happen if nothing distracts Laura from staring any harder at the open pages of her homework. Perry doesn't reply, so LaFontaine forces a smile at Laura as they flip through their own book. “Let's start shall we. Trig?”.

\--

The room no longer looks like a storage room. Or smells like one. After getting back from that awkward and unusual lunch with Laura she didn't really feel like stuffing her head with yet more math equations or French grammatics, even though all of that was _exactly_ what she needed to do so Carmilla distracted herself by unpacking the rest of her stuff. Although after the last box had been emptied out and put away, the room still smelled of old cardboard. So she aired it out and lit one of those apple scented candles she found in one of the boxes.

It´s nice.

Almost comforting.

At least it doesn't hurt her to get some familiarity into her life again, even though it's not far from evoking some terrible memories. Memories that might threaten to do some real damage, again.

She has retreated to laying on her bed, head heavy on her pillow, limbs aching because of the lack of sleep she's suffering from, phone placed next to her.

If someone was to come in and look at her right now, notice the way her room is all cleaned up and her body on display on top of her bed, they would probably think that everything is the way it should be, that she is just like any other teenager - tired and troubled. They wouldn´t be completely wrong, Carmilla could give them that much. But she isn´t just tired, she's exhausted. And she isn't troubled, she's wrecked. There´s a difference. And that difference cannot be measured in minutes or days, time that she spent trying to forget how it feels to have something good and precious, how it feels to be ripped apart and then willingly give away every piece of her that could still be used.

She exhales and her chest falls slowly, rises with a little bit of struggle considering how much her lungs have grown tired of the taste of air. She's still breathing, that's what matters. At least to some people.

When her phone starts to vibrate beside her, she considers to let it be, to not pick it up and care the slightest about what's going on around her. She deserves some peace and quiet. Though, there are only a handful, even less than that, of people that would text her and none of those people deserve to be ignored. Not yet anyway and not for too long. So she rolls over onto her stomach has she unlocks her phone and opens up the new message.

 _Go figure_ , Carmilla thinks as she reads the caller ID. She doesn´t recognize the fact that it would be the brunette who messaged her. Carmilla wouldn't sink that low even if her life depended on it.

**Laura H. (7:05pm): I think she likes you**

**Carmilla (7:08pm): Who?**

**Laura H. (7:08pm): Elsie**

**Laura H. (7:09pm): What do you think of her anyway?**

**Carmilla (7:11pm): She's ok I guess**

**Laura H. (7:12pm): Ok?**

**Carmilla (7:15pm): Yes Laura, ok**

**Laura H. (7:23pm): Not your type?**

**Carmilla (7:25pm): No, she's my type**

**Laura H. (7:27pm): So why just ok?**

**Carmilla H. (7:30pm): Why are you so interested in this?**

**Laura H. (7:39pm): Cuz I know what her type is**

**Carmilla (7:43pm): Does it happen to be hot and single, cuz I'm both**

**Carmilla (7:57pm): It was a joke cutie**

**Laura H. (8:02pm): Didn't know you knew how to make a joke**

**Carmilla (8:05pm): I'm full of surprises**

**Laura H. (8:06pm): I bet you are**

Carmilla snickers quietly. Laura Hollis might be one of the most annoying people she has ever met, but at least she´s entertaining. Plus, easily teased. Which makes a great combination on days like this. It's been two full weeks now since they moved to this godforsaken town and for the first time Carmilla doesn't flinch at the thought of staying here for just as many days more. That is progress. Even more than that - it's hopeful. 

If it hadn't been for the creaking floorboard out in the hallway, she wouldn't have noticed William coming over to stand in her doorway since she's still laying on her stomach facing away from the door. He´s creepy like that, sneaking around, always keeping track of her. Always in the way. Carmilla ignores him, even though she knows for a fact that he wouldn't be standing there if he wasn't out for something. 

She´s right. Of course.

“What's the deal with you?”, he asks and Carmilla almost scoffs at herself. She´s not the only one who´s predictable in this family.

“Oh brother, what have I done now to offend you”, she replies, not turning around to actually look at him, voice filled with apathy.

“You know what”.

This time Carmilla does scoff. “You and our mother are truly alike”.

“Carmilla!”

She turns at that, swiftly even, eyes trained at him and muscles tense with aggravation. “What do you want me to say?!”, she yells back at him, completely done with his attitude and intrusive ways. She's put up with this for longer than she thought she would, but this is too much.

His dark eyes reflect her anger, but they are also filled with pain and sorrow. Worry too. “I _need_ you to tell me that this isn't what I think it is”, he says and Carmilla can't help but see the boy that cried all those months ago, the same boy that made her promise to _try_ , to not give in to the darkness.

“This. Is. Not. What. You. Think”, she hisses. It almost hurts her to be like this with him. They used to be so close. _You don't even know who you're talking to anymore_ , Carmilla thinks as some hope shoots through his eyes. It fades quickly has she turns back to her previous position and unlocks her phone again. “Are we done?”.

He´s quiet. Too quiet. For a moment Carmilla believes that he might have gone, that she missed the sound of the creaking floorboard as he rushed for the stairs, but when she turns her head ever so slightly to the left she can see him in the corner of her eye. He´s watching her, shoulders high and tense. 

_Brother_.

“We moved once because of you, do you want us to move again?”, he asks and it's far from the first time his voice is so shaky with despair and anger, but the first time that he actually put the question into words.

“I didn't want this. I didn't choose this. I could have stayed and-”, she tells him but is interrupted by him shaking the bed by the footboard.

“And died? That´s what would have happened and you know it”

“Maybe that would have been for the best”, she mumbles, too low for him to hear, but sure enough to make her heart ache a little deeper.

“Carmilla”, her name is a prayer on his lips. A useless one. “We were losing you”, he continues and Carmilla bites down on her bottom lip. He doesn't have to remind her, she still wakes up in the middle of the night shaking, breath caught in her throat, heart thumping in her chest and the images flashing before her eyes. If only she knew _how_ to forget. “It wasn't your fault that-”, he begins and Carmilla feels the flood of emotions hitting her all at once.

He _can't_ remind her of _that_.

“Go!”, she yells. Her chest tightens as her mouth fills with the taste of blood, when she breathes in it is dark smoke and her fills with dizziness. “Now!”, she forces and struggles to not fall into fetal position, knowing that if she lets him see her like that he would never leave her side. If he knew what she really did feel, _he wouldn´t understand_.

In the chaos going on in her head she hears him stepping back, falling back against the doorframe and when he does she can force her lungs to take another breath.

“I love you, sis. Don't ever forget that”, he whispers and Carmilla's lips tremble.

She allows herself to collapse when the floorboard creaks, but the words echo in her skull.

And those words sting, more and more the longer she thinks of them.

Because she doesn't deserve his love.

\--

**_29th of September 2012_ **

“You're hopeless”, Ell sighs and hides her face in her hands.

“If you just tell me what to do and I´ll do it!”.

“You need to figure it out yourself”, she replies and takes her hands away. Her gaze is fierce and lively. “I can't just give you the answer, Carmilla”.

“Is that so, cutie”, Carmilla challenges her with a wicked smile and Ell doesn't flinch, she doesn't even look away.

This is what it often comes down to. Carmilla's as subtle as a gun, especially around Ell. It's more of a surprise that she didn't say anything that could be fairly offensive.

It's not the first time this has happened. Carmilla doesn't remember the first time her heart swelled at the thought of Ell. Even just the thought of her smile could wake those butterflies in her stomach. 

“Hey, what are you doing?”.

Carmilla sighs quietly and breaks gaze with Ell to find her brother standing in her door.

“Studying”, she tells him and flips the page. Her head is filled with mush and nonsense. Nothing to help her pass their upcoming test in algebra. “Apparently I'm useless”.

“I already knew that. Hi Ell”, he replies and comes to sit next by Carmilla.

“Will”, Ell says and sits back against the headboard. “Maybe you can help her”.

“No”, the both of them answer and Ell bites her lip with amusement. Though her eyes cannot hide the laughter bubbling inside of her.

“Okay then”, she says and nudges Carmilla´s book with her toe. “Come on, try again”.

Carmilla sighs and reads the question once again. She's supposed to find the equivalent to x, but all she sees is bullshit. Ell's gaze burns on the top of Carmilla's head and Carmilla bites her chin. When the words mash together in her mind she shuts the book with a groan. “Can't you just do the test for me?”, Carmilla cries and Will cackles. She elbows him in the stomach as revenge.

“Can I be at two places at once?”, Ell asks her in return with a whole lot of sarcasm to her question. Something she has come to take by since she met Carmilla. That does not help with the swelling of Carmilla's heart either. “Didn't think so”. Carmilla slaps Ell's foot which only leads to both her and Will laughing at Carmilla.

"Just kill me now!".

“That would just ruin the fun”, Ell says with a wink and Carmilla can't help the flutter to her chest.

“I agree”, Will adds and invites Ell for a high five, which she accepts with a joyful laugh.

“I hate the both of you”.

“Now we know that´s not the truth”, Will replies with what looks like a growing smirk.

Carmilla doesn't ignore it and turns to him with a mix of curiosity and boredom. The latter caused by his presence, which she could live without for another hour or so while Ell's still here. She exhales with the feeling of Ell's eyes on her again. “How come little brother?”.

“She's here”, he answers and nods towards Ell. “Also you don't bring girls home”, he adds plainly with a shrug of his shoulders. “I guess someone had to be the first”.

Carmilla can't stop her eyes from wandering to meet Ell's. Who's now smiling well too big to not set off avalanche of warmth in Carmilla's chest.

“I was the first? I feel honoured”. Ell´s voice is steady, her eyes as well. A smirk fills her lips and then she nods to the book still placed in front of Carmilla. “Don't think I've forgotten, you still need to solve that last one”.

Carmilla grunts. “What do I have to do for you to kill me?”.

Ell scoffs with warmth glowing through her eyes. “I would never kill you. I´ll have to die first for that to ever happen”.

“I may just take care of that myself if you die”, Carmilla responds without thinking twice.

“Deal”.

Will coughs and moves of the bed as he says with laughter, “that's my cue”. Carmilla break eye contact with Ell for a moment to find her brother standing by the bed, he´s wearing a wicked smile. “Try to keep the noise to a minimum, don't want mother to think that you're fornicating”.

“Go, now Will!”, she almost yells at him, with Ell snickering beautifully in her bed.


	4. Build up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one in which everything is too much and we know nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry for a slow update!! This story likes to put me through the worst writer´s block ever apparently. Please let me know what you think and if you´d like me to continue this thing. Love -Em

_**1st of October 2014** _

The first memory Will can recall from his childhood is the one of Carmilla and himself at the playground. Fighting. Wrestling over a blue bucket, both with the intention of building a greater sandcastle than the other, that bucket was obviously crucial for that to work. The memory has a habit of floating to the surface of his mind at times like this - when his muscles ache with too little sleep and too much worrying. The memory is one of those that allow him to feel free and completely happy. They were fighters and were on each other's necks at most times, but they were happy.

There are a lot more that he can recall from just a few years back that mirror the same emotions like that particular memory. They might have been restricted but happiness filed their lives. They were so young and innocent. Kids. They were just kids. _She was just a kid_ , he thinks for himself as he lets his head fall into his hands, his breath heating up his palms and face. The pressure travels down his forearms and his elbows are pressing down on the table. He counts the breaths, inhale, _one_ , exhale, inhale, _two_. Exhale. Inhale. _Three_. Until each new breath no longer feels forced. He gets to eleven before he finally sighs, hands still covering his face as he holds his head up. It's the lack of sleep that´s getting to his body, partially at least, but mostly it's the dreadful thoughts that play the bigger role.

It's the brotherly side of him that takes the overhand. It´s causes him to worry and think, _overthink_ , until he no longer sees an exit from his own mind. The side that comes out like a protective big brother when in fact Carmilla would argue that he is _technically_ the younger one of them.

He's right though. She was just a kid. And a kid should never have to go through that shit. Should never experience so much pain, enough to make her embrace it and let it root itself in her core. She was just a kid.

They were both just kids.

 _He_ should not have had to do what he did, see what he was forced to witness, but everything he did what was completely necessary. Every single thing. The nightmares have twisted over the years from the kind that haunt all children to something dark and deep. When they were younger Will would stir awake with his heartbeat drumming in his ears and Carmilla mumbling in her sleep with tears seeping through her closely shut eyes. They used to dream of the same thing, slightly different, but always with the same end result. They used to share those dreams in hope of easing the ache in their chests. They stopped when Carmilla gave up sleeping in fear of having to relive that night. Will knew though, that all she had to do was to close her eyes for a second and all of it would come over her again. He believes it still does. He _knows_ it does. Because he too relives it every time he shuts his eyes, but when overwhelms him is the aftermath of what she went through and that doesn't compare to what she has to deal with.

He understands as much.

He lifts his head, eyes hurting from pinching his eyes as close as possible, blood boiling in his veins and hands sweating from the thought. No. Memory. Some things he doesn't remember, but his body does and this is what he feels - trapped, in a in between state of what was and what is. They don't match. He's reflection doesn't match the picture lingering in his head of what his eyes used to shine of when he was younger. Her body is a fraction of what it used to be, they have the same curves and edges but a lot more tension, and he can't look at her for too long without breaking down.

He promised to keep it together, for her. And the Karnsteins keep their promises. It's law.

But last night made him question it. Or, made him fear the actual pain that still lives within her. He's been telling himself that it's not true, since that night all those weeks ago, and he had almost convinced himself of the lie, of that she wanted to be here still. Until yesterday.

His eyes scan the library, it's empty as far as he can see. This has become a routine of his. Every Wednesday morning, first period, his free period, he hides out in the library. Although today he'd like to be anywhere else than in between four walls and a roof. He'd rather be doing Suicide on the field than sitting here, at least running until his legs numb blocks out the world and his thoughts with it, but he made another promise. Keeping up his grades proved to be easier than expected. Mother had made him make that promise, the promise to not lose himself over what happened, to at least give himself the opportunity to become something in the future. Sports wasn't something she believed in, still doesn't. He knows that for sure. Otherwise she wouldn't have pushed him towards the academic side, rather than actually come to one of his matches and see him play. Lacrosse may have been something that _just happened_ , but Will thanks whatever God there is that it did. Without it he would never have found a way to bring himself to the edge without the risk of falling off, to break down his body so that it could it heal and get stronger, to find an outlet when everything else fails. Still he would leave it behind at any given moment if he had to.

For her. He'd give it up for _her_ if he had to.

In a way, he did.

He stretches out his legs under the table, sighs as his arms automatically stretch out at his sides too, the familiar crack from his elbows soothes him and he leans in over the textbook again. There's still thirty minutes left of his free period and another ten pages for him to get through before he can feel satisfied with this morning.

\--

Carmilla enters the classroom with a sigh as her eyes read the subject of today´s class - Freud. _This better be good_. It might be the lack of sleep. Or... _It´s fine_ , she tells herself, hand fidgeting with the hem of her white shirt. As long as she keeps herself busy, she'll be fine. Or at least as close to it as she can possibly be right now. Because it's not like she's been counting the days, and now hours, minutest slowly dragging out the memories she has buried under those months in total darkness. No. It's not like that at all. Just, it is.

Her head is dizzy with the constant thought of _it_ and she stumbles over to the nearest chairs, practically falls down into it, lungs heavy and screaming like they're filled with acid smoke. Every attempt to breathe causes her to clench her eyes shut close, trying to hold back the tears, protesting by pressing her nails into the skin of her palms, pain meeting pain until they disarm each other. It´s not the first time. Probably not the last she'll feel so helpless in the hands of too many memories and too little of that one thing she desperately need.

The door to the classroom is slammed shut and Carmilla jumps in her seat, chest once again clenching but this time it's not the same tightness, even though they resemble each other just a little too much.

“Hey”. A hand nudges Carmilla's shoulder and she consider not answering, but that voice couldn't be anyone else´s than the brunettes. Her head turns slowly until she can meet those brown eyes and even though she wouldn't admit it under any circumstances, she's happy to see her. “Long night?”, Laura asks as she nods, lips pulling up into a small smile.

Carmilla rolls her eyes. “Something like that”.

“Alright, let's get this started. Freud. Can someone tell me who he is?”.

Carmilla has to stop herself from rolling her eyes once again. She props up her elbow on the table and rests her head in her hand, eyes almost falling shut immediately. But she opens them again. She can at least try to look awake.

“I thought this would be right up your alley” Carmilla huffs whilst Laura´s eyes wander back towards the teacher.

Carmilla doesn't answer. Can´t answer. Perhaps because there is none, but more likely because she has had to listen to all of this before. Only, that time she was sat in chair with someone matching her to depression, telling her that they understood her pain, saying that they knew a way out. Carmilla swallows back the choking feeling as the memory pushes her heart right up her throat. It didn't work that time and somewhere in Carmilla she has all the theories of _why_ stashed up, what they all have in common is that same three letter word that keeps her up at night.

 _I´m fine_ , she thinks and sits back upright in her seat, tries to force all of her concentration and focus on to the babbling teacher whose name she hasn´t bother to remember, _I´m fine_.

The tightness of her stomach says something else.

\--

Laura hurries out of the classroom, when she stops in the crowded hallway her eyes shoot from person to person. _Dammit_. She sighs and takes one last look around. She had noticed Carmilla´s odd, well how much odd- _er_ can that girl get, been during class. She had seemed more on edge than usual and every time Laura tried to ask her how she was, or simply talk about the subject of today, she clammed up and looked away.

With Carmilla everything seems to be day and night.

She doesn't have much time though to contemplate about the mystery that is Carmilla Karnstein because the bell rings. History. Not one of Laura's favourite subjects. It might even be right down there with physics.

She takes a seat at the back of the class, determined to try and steal a few minutes to scroll through her Tumblr feed before her day is completely destroyed. Those minutes are however cut short as the teacher walks in with a stack of papers in her arms and Laura is jolted back to reality as that stack lands with a loud thud on the teacher's desk.

“So, we´re going to kick this off with a little project-”. The sigh going around the room is heavy with boredom. “- and just because I know how much you like these things it will stand for a third of your final grade”

“Oh come on”, someone mumbles a little too loudly, putting a smirk on the teacher's lips.

“Mr. Daniels you'll be happy to know that you're with Miss Smith. Finnick you'll be working with Woods. Hollis and Karnstein -”

Laura looks over to her side, catching Will in the middle of rolling his eyes with a scoff falling of his lips. _Great_. Since that short introduction Carmilla was forced to make that day at lunch when they first got here Laura might have exchanged three words with the broody brother. Which is surprising considering how much time he spends with Kirsch and Kirsch is always around.

“You'll find your assignment on the last page of this handout”.  
Laura flips to the last page and scans through the names until her eyes land on her own and Will´s. In the corner of her eye she sees Will do the same and then shakes his head with a scoff. It's then that Laura reads the next line to find their assignment - Napoleon.

“Fantastic”, she sighs. Once again Will scoffs and this time Laura can't ignore it. Her head jerk to the side, eyes burning into the side of the boy´s head without him even reacting. It´s not just Carmilla, she has figured out that much, being mysterious and unpredictable seem to be a Karnstein thing. But whatever's bothering Carmilla she can´t ask her upfront about it. However, she can ask Will. “Can I ask you something?”.

“Go ahead, sweetheart”, Will responds, apathy dripping off of every word.

Laura frowns. Perhaps more because of the sweetheart thing. She wonders for a split second if that too is a Karnstein thing or just coincidence. “You don't like me very much”, she says and Will flips through the pages once again.

“That´s not a question”.

“Why, is my question”, Laura replies as she angles her chair more towards Will´s with her arms coming up to cross over her chest.

“Do you want to split the assignment, I can take the first half and we put it all together later”, Will answers without even looking up.

“No”. He´s shoulders tense up visibly and Laura pulls her legs in under her chair. “We'll do it together”, she tells him and he lets go of the papers with a heavy sigh. He then pushes his chair back and practically jumps out of it.

“Fine. Have it your way”.

Laura shakes her head as her right hand comes up to run through her hair. _Fucking fantastic_.

\--

She talks nonstop.

There's no off-button on this girl. Kirsch has himself to blame - her enthusiasm is one of the things that caught his eye. In the very beginning he could sit for what felt like hours and just listen to her talking. It didn't bother him then, it shouldn't bother him now. Although, it does. Or maybe it's just that he can't make use of anything she's saying. Perhaps that's one of things that happens after a while in a relationship - parts of who you are and what you do lose meaning. Back in freshman year when they first started hanging out she came of as timid, her friends outshined her in every social gathering, but as soon as they found themselves alone she opened up. Kirsch was foolish and stuck on the big idea of becoming making the team, just like he and his dad had always talked about, still there was something intriguing about that secret smile and joyful laugh she shared with him. For all his big talk about girls he had never been with anyone else, never wanted or needed. SJ and him has always been as stable and sure as they were of each other that warm July night when he clumsily enough asked to be her boyfriend.

She hasn't lost any meaning to him. Far from it.

She is not the cause of his lack of concentration. His gaze flouts past her eyes and lands on the girl with black hair and lowered eyes. Since Will´s sudden change of behaviour and lack of presence something has been nagging at his mind, something he can´t put his finger on, all he knows is that he doesn't like it.

SJ snaps her fingers two inches from his nose, her face furrowed with impatience and irritation. “Babe. You're not listening”, she says and Kirsch shakes his head as he runs his hand reflectively over the side of his head.

“Sorry, I got a lot on my mind. What did you say?”.

“I asked if you're up to going out tonight. We could go see a movie, we haven't done that in a while”, she tries again with her face smoothing out to a gentle expression, a small smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

“Not tonight. I need to study”. Her eyes flashes with disappointment and Kirsch is hit with guilt. He´s been busy lately with the team and now with the growing schoolwork hanging over him. He reaches out with his left hand, touches lightly upon her cheek, traces her jawline down to her chin and lifts her face up slowly until their eyes meet. “We'll go this weekend”, he says and there's an unspoken promise in that too.

“Okay”, she replies, eyes glistening with love. _There it is_ , Kirsch thinks for himself as his lips form into a soft smile. She takes his hand lingering on her chin and brings it to her mouth, her lips press a quick kiss to his knuckles and Kirsch remembers all the other reasons why he loves her.

\--

“Your girl is chatty”.

Carmilla sighs, her body heavy with tiredness and her stomach growling quietly. “She's not my girl”, she answers and Will huffs in response. “What”, she growls at him as she lifts her head from her geography textbook. His dark eyes look back at her with that familiar spark. It´s dimmed, she recognizes this but pushes back the thought before it can root itself in her mind.

“I'm your brother. I know when you're lying”, he tells her and Carmilla draws for a slow breath. Her eyes fall back to the page without fixing at anything, her vision turns blurry for a moment and her chest feels tight before she notices that she's holding her breath.

“Really”. She lets out the air slowly, painfully slowly, and tries her best not to inhale too quickly, scared that he´ll notice if she does. “And when did you develop this special ability of yours?”, she asks him without bothering to look back up.

“I´m trying to help you”. His voice is soft and caring. Poison to her ears.

“No, you´re prying”, she answers, hands turning into fists on the table. “And mother keeps you on a tightrope”.

He sighs, both hands coming up to run through his raven black hair. Carmilla chews on the inside of her cheek, nails digging into the palms of her hands. _Don't do it. Don't you dare do it._

“Carmilla, if you´re not talking to me then-”.

She cuts him off by pushing back her chair, setting of an unnerving sound of the chair scratching against the floor. Heat spreads down her neck, probably leaving her flustered with rage. She glares at her brother, hard enough to burn whole through a person and she would if it wasn't him.

She leans in close enough to be able to lower her voice so that only he can hear, voice dropping to a sharp hissing. Sharp enough to send waves of pain through her tongue. “I do not need you, _William_ ”, she says. Her brother's face falling with disappointment, but not surprise. “I do not need to talk about _anything_. So lay off or I´ll give you something worth talking about”.

She's out of the chair before he has opened her mouth. Her heart thumping in her chest. Her hands numb and pain shooting up her wrists. She mumbles out a request for a hall pass and the teacher gives her one without looking right at her. It's a blessing really, if anyone were to see what her eyes looks like they might even run out before her for the nearest exit. She makes it through the hall before she collapses against the brick wall, her legs barely keeping her up, one hand clasping to the rough surface and the other clamped over her mouth. The cutting sobs doesn't leave her throat, instead they build up and cloud her sight causing her to feel trapped in a state of panic. The faintness and breathlessness fills her up, one second after another until she's sure that her whole body is going to explode.

It passes. Slowly. Painfully slowly. Still, it passes. It almost always does.

Almost always.

\--

Chemistry used to be her favourite subject, the time a day when she could block everything else out and concentrate on numbers and symbols. Now, it's just another class. Because of him and his annoying presence. Her brisk walk pulls to a jarring stop at the entrance to the lab, her eyes falling on him as if by magnetism. A riot runs through her core and she forces her lungs to take a breath. She watches him turn the same page of his textbook back and forth, forehead deeply furrowed, drumming his pen again the table as his lips move slightly when he reads. He's struggling, she gathers as much and it's almost satisfying. But just almost. With a new breath filling up her chest she leaves the doorway.

“I still don't get why you're taking this class”, Danny exclaims as she dumps her books on the table causing the test tubes to rattle.

Kirsch scoffs without looking up from his own notebook, the open page is already filled with scrabbles and they're not as diffuse as she expected them to be. He actually got quite a neat handwriting and takes careful notes every class. Which is the opposite of what he´s supposed to be. Then he looks up from finishing up what she guesses is an equation to determine the measurement of iron for their assignment. His playing with the pen between his fingers, spinning it over his thumb and then between his index finger and middle finger. She furrows her brows in a questioning look and his lips split into a teasing smile.

“Why are you taking it?”, he asks and puts his chin out there, just an inch too high and Danny shrugs her shoulders, taken aback for a moment by the question.

“Because I like chemistry”.

He nods. “So you do get it”.

The simplicity of his response, the look of acknowledgement in his eyes, the firm but small smile on his lips, it all makes sense in the most intangible way. Danny wonders for a second why he's so annoying to her, why his mere presence makes her blood boil with frustration and anger. At least it feels like anger. His gaze stray from hers, in the same moment as it is shaded with wonder and the smile falls from his mouth, and then he reaches down into the pocket of jacket hanging over the back of the chair. When his hand once again appears he´s holding his phone and his eyes fixate at it without him doing anything with it.

Kirsch sighs at last and she takes her seat next to him.

“Problem?”.

“Nope”, he answers, quickly. He puts away his phone as she opens her books. “So are you ready to get started, lab partner?”, he then asks and angels his chair more towards her, lips once again smiling.

\--

The air is humid, but the breeze passing by her is chilling. Far off in the distance she makes out heavy clouds drifting closer and closer. She can almost smell the electric tension in the air. Thunder. A smile touches upon her lips. Of all the things kids normally find absolutely terrifying thunder has never been one of those things she experienced as frightening. It might have something to do with her father's attitude towards it, or more lack of it. He never paid attention to the lightening or the rumbling thunder whenever it found its way to their city and if it happened to cause a blackout he turned it into a slumber party. He's protecting by nature, but far from emotional. He has tackled every fear with a calmness that transferred over to her whether she was aware of it or not. She pulls her jeans jacket tighter to her body and sets off for the car.

“Hey Laura! Wait up”.

She turns around, hands still over her arms to keep the warmth in, to discover JP jogging towards her.

“Don't say I forgot my notebook again”, she responds and starts digging through her bag. “It's like the fifth time it's happened”.

“I didn't notice. I just wanted to check...”

“Got it”. She sighs out of satisfaction and her arms return to crossing over her chest. The wind tugs at her hair, but she simply tosses it out of her eyes.

“I wanted to check if you were okay with that piece”, the boy says and Laura frowns at him in confusion. He looks nervous. Unsure. He bites the corner of his lip before asking, “are you?”.

“Why wouldn't I be?”, she responds and watches as his eyes widen to then to him quickly shrugging his shoulders. It's too late though, she has already seen the thoughts reflected in his green eyes.

“Ehm… No reason. Everyone grabbed what they wanted to write and I lost track of everything”, he rambles and Laura licks her lips, carefully chooses her words before shaking her head at him with a gentle smile filling up her lips.

“JP, it's fine, I have no problem with writing a profile of the lacrosse team. It would actually give me reason to get out more”.

It's true. Well, at least true enough to not taste sour on the tip of her tongue. But it's far from the actual truth and JP knows that, anyone at this godforsaken school would know it.

He smiles back at her, hands reaching down into his front pockets with a sad expression in his eyes. “You're a terrible liar”.

“Yeah. I'm working on that”, she answers. She wishes he wouldn't have to feel inclined to check up on her, to feel the need to make sure that she's okay with writing something as simple as a cover piece. If it had been because he feels unsure of her ability to complete the work or not portray the team in a correct way, that she'd be able to deal with. Not this though. It shouldn't be like this. She turns halfway around and starts walking again. “I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?”.

“Absolutely! Give my love to Mr H”.

A soft laughter rolls of her tongue without her thinking of it and she feels that momentary heaviness in her chest fade. “You know, you are the only person I could ever imagine that could say that and not creep me out, or him for that matter”.

JP smiles the brightest smile and nods encourage towards her. “Drive safe”.

“Bye”, she yells back at him and continues to the car.

\--

Danny observes the others. They're talking. Or at least their mouths are moving, but Danny doesn't really hear anything. She zoned out a couple of minutes ago, when the conversation had turned into Elsie picking apart every new recruit they selected this year. Maddie and Stella adding commentary on which of them they believed are going to crush on Coach. Not that the conversation was uninteresting, Elsie´s blush certainly was worth laughing about. It´s more the guilt that nags at her mind. She can't really remember how it feels to not feel that anymore. It wasn't her fault, she recognizes that, but when she happens to say or do the wrong thing to spark up all of that pain the guilt crawls right out of it cage.

It's been months, yet it feels like it could have been yesterday.

The memory of Laura´s eyes when she stared back at her, when she saw that she had known and not said anything, that is the source of the guilt.

She is jerked out of her thoughts by Elsie´s waving hand inches from her face and just like that it's like someone unmutes the world and her head fills up with all the sounds before she can make out Elsie´s distinct voice. It´s stained with a worrying tone and Danny tastes bitter on her tongue at the sound of it. “Yo! D, are you still with us?”, Elsie says and Danny swats the other girl´s hand away.

“Yes. I´m undeniably still here so stop waving your big hand in my face”.

She bites her tongue immediately. She didn't intend to answer with that bitterness still on her tongue, but it hangs in the air like thick transparent smoke.

Maddie and Stella exchange a look of confusion, the reason for their silence at Danny's bitter reply must be the calm Elsie projects. The silence doesn't last long however, Elsie makes a quick remark on one of Stella's answers and they all go back to arguing over the best way to solve the next question.

Danny makes a mental note to apologize to Elsie later.

\--

“Carmilla, you are doing this”.

“Thank you, but no thank you”.

“Why do you argue with me on this? You are signing up and that is the end of it”

“Do you really believe that forcing me into jerking around with a bunch of incompetent idiots is going to miraculously heal me? You have sunk to a new level, Mother”.

“Mircalla Karnstein, you do not address me in that tone!”

“What tone would you prefer, _Mother_ ”.

Will breathes out heavily, his head falling back and his eyes falling shut. It's been eight minutes. Eight minutes of his sister and mother basically yelling at each other. Arguing isn't the right word. Will isn't even sure that arguing is something the two of them can do in the sense of them keeping it calm and on a still speaking level, it´s either talking or yelling, at least that's how it's been since before the summer. Well, that isn't right, they weren't really in each other's spaces during the summer months but when they were it wasn't quiet.

The floor is hard, but no longer cold. His nails scratch at the surface, get stuck between the floorboards and dig in even harder. It´s the uncertainty that holds onto him, almost like it is holding him captive and there´s no exit, nowhere to run for safety. Another sigh and he opens his eyes. The room is dark, yet slightly lit up by the setting sun. It´s blue. He has never liked the colour blue. It has less to do with the colour and more of the image he gets in his head when he spots that one shade of blue, the one that provokes his stomach to flip and his head to spin. Mother used to call it silly, that he just needed to grow up and get over it, but to this day he notices the way she clenches to her purse whenever _her_ eyes land on that colour. He should have painted it over, considered it for a good fifteen minutes, but ended up deciding that it´s a waste of time. He'll be having those same nightmares anyway so why bother with covering up one thing out of a thousand that will haunt him in them.  
His head turns to get a better listen when the sound of stomping steps reaches him, they end abruptly as the door across the hall from him slams shut. As if on cue his heart drops to the pit of his stomach, still he finds a way to breathe in and then exhale again. It has become a habit - him sitting on the floor, back to his door, listening to the loud and quiet arguments. When they were kids he hid under their twin-bed whenever Carmilla and mother were in the mood. He hid under that bed several nights a week that first year, after that things started to calm down and so did the arguing.

The words echo in his head. Back and forth. Back and forth. It's not that he doesn't understand, he does understand, it's just that he wishes this wasn't their reality. He wishes for nothing else than to close his eyes and open them to find them back in New York, arguing over what to order for dinner and who´s turn it is to do the dishes.

He leaves the place by the door when his room no longer harbours any sunlight. His legs are stiff and the tense muscles in his back vibrate slightly. _It´s the training_ , he tells himself and slumps down on the foot of the bed. The lies come naturally nowadays and with each one he feels less guilty and more in control. Truthfully, he´s in denial about the lies and what they do to him, but he takes that over being in denial about other things. Worse things. _Carmilla_. Hers is the first name that fills his mind as the sleep crawls up on him. He doesn't fight it and undresses. In only his boxers he steps out into the hall, lingers by his sister´s door, he picks up on her voice but not the words. When he returns to the room ready to let that sleep drown him and bury his tired body in darkness another name washes over his mind. Like waves it is spelled over dry sand. He chokes on that simple breath and presses his lips together, forcing down the sob and the tears.

He did sacrifice something. For Carmilla. For Mother. For their name. For her…

He falls into bed with that same breath leaving his lungs and pulls up the sheets to cover the trembles of his hands. He'd do it again. All of it. But that doesn't mean that he can't feel the emptiness when it screams for something, for that _one_ thing, to fill it up with. He'd do it all again. He´s sure of it.

So he closes his eyes and lets that finally though be the last of the night. It doesn't take long before his muscles relax and the trembles stop.  
Sleep finds him and sends him off with one tear dancing down his cheek in the dark.  
\--

 _“So I´m… I wanted to ask you something”_ , Laura's words are calm and unsure, like she's assessing the situation as she speaks.

“Really, that's not like you, cupcake”, Carmilla replies and finishes her notes, the split cord between the earbuds have spun together so she has to jerk some more of the cord out from under the notebook.

 _“Funny”_. Carmilla readjusts herself onto her elbows, right hand tapping the pencil against the open page of her notebook, now able to move her head around without the earbuds falling out. _“I wanted to ask if you were okay”_. The regular tapping comes to a jarring stop, her hand stills with the pencil barely gracing the surface of the paper and her breath caught somewhere deep in her chest. _“You seemed of today, especially in Psychology”_ , Laura continues with a gentle tone.

“I just don't like that psycho bullshit”.

It comes out sharp. Just as sharp as a knife-edge, cutting the pleasant conversation they've had in two.

 _“Wow, don't hold back your emotions”_.

Carmilla bites down, hard, on the inside of her cheek. Sighs as she lets out that breath again. “Sorry”, she mumbles with her hand now dragging the pencil over the page, leaving fainted lines below the letters in a nonsensical pattern.

 _“Don't be, I appreciate your bluntness”_ , the other girl answers and it sounds as if she breathes the words in an exhale, but there's not heaviness to them so Carmilla manages to relax her jaws completely. For a moment at least, until Laura continues, _“but you're okay, or is there something-”._

“I´m fine, just tired”, Carmilla cuts her off and struggles to shut her notebook, the pencil trapped between the pages, and sit straight up. “I think I got what I need, I'll finish this and go to bed. I´ll see you tomorrow”.

_“Alright. Text me if you need anything else”._

“Will do”, she answers, fingers gracing the off button on the cord to end the call.

 _“Goodnight, Carmilla”_ , comes Laura's voice one last time and Carmilla breathes in deep, exhales even deeper.

“Goodnight”.

She rips the earbuds out and sighs. It's not getting easier, nor harder. It’s just as it is. After throwing the notebook onto the floor she takes a moment, considers to actually send a text to the brunette and apologize for a second time, but ends up just sitting there. Carmilla feels the tension grow, starting in her shoulders and moving down her spine. It's the same as before. It has been a part of her for months, living on the fear of… Of feeling it again. To think it again. She lets her body fall over itself. Head in her hands. Heart in her throat. _Breath. Just breathe._

It will pass.

It almost always does.  
\--

**_10th of November 2012_ **

She´s nervous. It's undeniably true. And she _freaking_ hates it. It´s not a feeling she desires to feel creep up on her in situations like this one. There's not even anything to be nervous about. Well. Rationally, there´s not but lately your body hasn't been rational _at all_.

The pacing for example.

Carmilla Karnstein does not _pace_.

Yet, here she is. Pacing back and forth in the living room. Thankfully no one's around to catch her doing it. Will would make such a big deal out of it, even more fun of her than he already has these last few weeks. Maybe that's why it feels the way it does - new and exciting. Like it´s worth something.

When the familiar horn of Mattie´s car makes that awful sound when she pulls to a stop outside the house, Carmilla literally closes her eyes and forces herself to take three deep breaths. Something tells her that she won't be doing that much breathing in the next couple of hours. As she closes the front door behind her she watches Mattie drum with her fingers on the wheel, probably after some beat in her head. How it's possible that she's not stuck in her room all day every day making music out of whatever she has around is beyond Carmilla. They are alike in that way - their love for music and creating their own kind of nonsensical melodies.

“You're late”, Carmilla scolds as she jumps into the passenger seat, fastening the seatbelt before her head slumps back against the seat.

“Hello to you too, grumpy. Where are we going?”.

Carmilla pulls out her phone and places it in the holder, Mattie doesn´t pull out before the GPS starts up and the directions pops up on the screen. She hums as she gets the engine running and pulls out onto the street, her thumbs still drumming on the wheel.

“I heard Will´s trying out for the lacrosse team”.

“Stupid, I know”, Carmilla replies with a scoff, voice cleared of any signs of irritation.

“I think it can be pretty funny to watch him get beaten up on the field”, Mattie answers with a smirk pulling at the corners of her mouth. Carmilla rolls her eyes and throws her feet up on the panel.

“You mean you'll have another reason to go to their games, to watch _Percy_ ”, she counters and Mattie laughs at her without taking her eyes off of the road.

“If I want to watch Percy I just pick up the phone”. Carmilla shakes her head, Mattie may not be the role model Mother would have wanted for her. That if she actually knew who Mattie was, but to her Mattie will probably always be the little child Carmilla grew up with. The good and polite little Matska Belmonde. Carmilla's lips pull up at the thought, her Mother would be more than surprised if she knew even half of the things Mattie has been up to _and_ taught Carmilla. “He´s pretty good with his hands”, Mattie continues and Carmilla's face scrunches up at the involuntary image of what Mattie insinuates.

“Too much information”, she says as she takes her feet of the panel again.

“Oh come on, like you´ve ever said no to details”.

Carmilla looks over at the older girl, frowning. Mattie glances back at her over her shoulder as she turns left, mouth smiling as she chuckles quietly to herself at Carmilla's facial expression. Carmilla huffs as she turns back forward to watch the road. “That's because you'll tell me no matter what I want anyway”, she says and Mattie hums in agreement.

Yep, Mother wouldn't approve.

Perhaps that's why Carmilla adores Mattie as much as she does - because she has never shown any fear to be herself and let Carmilla be a part of anything at all, no matter how terrifying Mother can be. That and the fact that Mattie´s practically family.

When the car pulls to a stop a few minutes later, Carmilla draws for a breath that hitches in the back of her throat before she can relax again. Mattie shuts of the engine and slumps back in her seat, hands falling down into her lap, with a sigh.

“Can you do me a favour?”.

Carmilla can feel Mattie's eyes on her face, but she can't meet them because if she does all Mattie will see is the worried lip between Carmilla´s teeth and the nervous tension in her jaws. So she keeps her gaze fixed at the windshield, counting slowly down from ten for herself.

“Sure, kitty”.

Carmilla exhales heavily. “Be nice”, she says.

“I'm always nice. Just not to you”, Mattie snaps and Carmilla can't help but scoff. As she turns her gaze to the other girl she's met by Mattie´s dark eyes searching for something, maybe in her expression, or the way her eyes are more open and awake than they've ever been before.

“Exactly”.

This is so far from who she is and what she does. But. She´s nervous. And not in the way that makes you think twice of what you’re doing, but in the way that keeps you on your toes. She likes it. More than she’d like to admit. She doesn´t open her mouth to say anything, to explain, but Mattie knows her from the inside out and when her eyes trail down Carmilla's body one last time, taking in all the tension and shakiness, she knows. Carmilla knows she does.

“I'll behave, promise”, Mattie says as the front door to the green house opens. She keeps her eyes on Carmilla for a little longer, until the passenger door opens behind her to the backseat and Ell jumps in.

“Hi, you must be the wife”, she greets them both before either of them can say anything at all and Carmilla turns around in her seat to be able to really look at her, whilst Mattie's eyes shoot up to the rear-view mirror. The older girl takes one quick look in the mirror before her eyes fall back to Carmilla, where they probably notice the slight blush on Carmilla's cheeks.

“Oh you told her that story”. Carmilla shrugs her shoulders, trying hard not to look too intently on the smile still lingering on Ell´s lips. “I also go by Mattie”.

“Ell”.

“I know hun, Carmilla can´t stop gabbing about you” Carmilla grumbles something that vaguely resembles ‘shut up’ before she turns her flustered face towards the window. “Tell me again why we're going to see this movie”, Mattie continues as she starts the car and pulls back out to the street.

Carmilla scoffs and lets herself turn back to the other girl. “Because I´ve had enough of your black and white shit”. She notices the way Mattie's eyes narrow, but before she can respond Ell leans forward between their seats, taking up all of Carmilla´s attention.

“I thought it was because you wanted the scare the hell out of me”, the blonde says with a wicked look to her eyes and Carmilla's all caught up in it.

“Oh that sounds a lot more like our kitty”.

The nickname forces Carmilla to stir back into place in her seat.

“‘ _Kitty_ ’?”.

“Mattie don´t-”, Carmilla tries but it´s worthless.

“It's her nickname because she used to purr like a little cat when she was a baby”, Mattie continues. _Fuck_. Carmilla grunts and hides her embarrassment in the palm of her hand as she tries to look abnormally casual about Mattie´s comment. She´s not fooling anyone. Definitely not Mattie or Ell. That much she knows, but all she can do is try and not seem affected. ”It kind of stuck”, Mattie says with a hint of a giggle to her voice.

“Oh you´re so incredibly cute”, Ell laughs and leans in towards Carmilla with a teasing smile filling up her whole face. Carmilla shoves gently at her so that she sits back in her seat.

“Shut up the both of you”.

“I bet you still purr”, Mattie challenges with a wink of her eye and Carmilla is _this_ close to hitting her in the face when Ell´s giggle breaks through the momentary silence and Carmilla has to look back at her and that adorable smile of hers.

She totally forgets about hitting Mattie.

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on Inspiration-feeds-creatiivity on tumblr and follow #before you go or #casualty au


	5. Double vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was a fine cry - loud and long - but it had no bottom and it had no top, just circles and circles of sorrow.”   
> ― Toni Morrison, Sula

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited, because I´ve gotten cross eyed from staring at this chapter for months. Enjoy!

_**2st of October 2014** _

Her cheeks are red. Burning even. Her vision is limited and the thumping sound of her heart has turned the rest of the world out. Sweat runs down her neck. It´s just the road and her feet, nothing else. Nothing distracting or emotional. It´s just running until her whole body aches. 

It's the only time a day when her head isn't filled with doubt. 

Her chest is heaving once she turns back onto her street and the last twenty feet she sprints. Hard. The world has reduced to the burning feeling that creeps up her legs. It's the best feeling in the world. 

One of the best. 

Lately, she takes what she can get. Which means that the three miles she usually set aside time for on Thursday mornings has turned into five miles. She blames Laura. No, she blames herself for letting Laura down _and_ not handling the situation better. The permanent knot in her stomach is all too familiar to the one that threw her off last year.

Soon to be a year.

The thought of it makes her stomach twist. 

She slumps down on the porch outside her house, ears deaf from the sound of her thumping pulse. Her body hurts, but the knot in her stomach is not just hurting. It's the shame and the blame. That is what causes her breath to hitch and that knot expand, which it does until her breath is laboured once again.

It´s been a year and she´s still an idiot.

//

They´ve been glaring at each other for the past twenty minutes on and off. Will has been drumming his pen against the table despite the polite request from Laura for him not to. His behaviour towards her has her wondering what kind of vendetta he holds towards her. For whatever reason he won't cooperate with her, even though she asks as kindly has she possibly could or stays quiet and waits for him to do something. It comes down to this - staring at each other, like they're trying to beat each other to giving up. They´ve been doing this since they got their assignment, like an unspoken agreement not to talk more than necessary. 

Talk however is the one thing they need to do.

History might not be a subject Laura particularly enjoys, but she needs the grade. Which she won´t get unless they get started. Although, by the look of their progress she could possibly kiss that grade goodbye.

The bell goes off which leads to the whole class to practically jumping to their feet and rush towards the door. Will included. If Laura wasn't as stubborn as she is she´d probably let him go without a word, but quiet isn't a word people use to describe her.

“We should organize this, can you meet after school?”, she asks as she hurries after the dark haired boy.

“Got practise”.

“Well, obviously I meant after practice”.

“Obviously”. It´s the mockery in his voice that makes her hands tighten around the straps of her backpack.

She sprints past him and stops in his way, causing him to jerk to a stop in front of her. Laura is convinced that if eyes could kill his would be doing a lot of killing right about now.

“Is that a yes?”, she sighs.

He doesn't sigh. Nor grunt. He only watches her. 

She hasn't decided if she likes the way he looks at her yet, if she approves of the tendency they have of making her feel like she's being examined or evaluated. Every time he has that look on his face, that stern and steely look, she gets restless. It´s like she's waiting for him to either accept her or do whatever needed to get rid of her. Neither of those options are acceptable, still she can't seem to get a word out to tell him that once he has that look on his face. Perhaps because she can see the similarities, that his eyes are also Carmilla's eyes. That is probably why she hasn't said anything yet, why she's waiting _now_ for his decision.

It takes a moment or two of them staring at each other before the dark haired boy corrects the strap of his bag over his shoulders, eyes filled with darkness and a stern expression still on his face before he sighs.

“Later”, he says and passes her, and that is all she gets.

_It has to be genetic_ , she contemplates as she recollects herself before setting off for her next class.

//

He´s got a pen between his teeth, his hands occupied with trying to fit all of his things back into his locker. He could have sworn that he left the notes he took during their last chemistry class in here, but they're nowhere to be seen even though he has turned his whole locker inside out. Why he's even bothering with trying to locate them after he's shuffled through the books stacked on the top shelf is a mystery. Well, not really. He doesn't want to seem ignorant. Or nonchalant. Taking AP Chemistry was a choice, the right one and something he wanted to do for himself. Although the fact that he was paired with Danny Lawrence intimidated him and made him want to impress the other girl. 

He likes Danny, despite what people say; there's no feud between them, at least not from his side. The girl is smart, clever really, and she works hard. Most of all, she demands the same effort from him and he wants nothing more than to step up to the challenge. Because that is what it is. He saw it in Danny's eyes their first lesson - she didn't believe he would pass. So he wants to do more than just pass, for once in his life he wants to excel at something other than lacrosse. Not for Danny. For himself. To prove to himself _and_ every single person who has doubted him that he can do more, that he is more.

With a grunt he shoves the books back into the locker and shuts the door quickly before they have the opportunity the fall right out again. Once he removes the pen from between his teeth he can feel the marks they have left in the wood. 

He´s got to find those notes. 

The sound of the bell going off causes his gaze to flicker up for a moment. In the crowd of students moving between classes his eyes spot a head of dark hair among the rest, the next moment the person in question becomes visible when those around him move. Once Kirsch sees him all his thoughts of chemistry and Danny vanish, what fills up that place is worry. From whom, he hasn´t yet understood, but it´s there. As soon he lays eyes on Will, worry finds its way to his mind and his heart.

“Hey Will, wait up”, he calls out and the other boy stops in his tracks, the book in his arms fixed open in one hand and the other clasped around the straps of his backpack.

“I don't have time, man. I need to read the last chapter of this stupid thing”, the dark haired boy has an expression on his face much like the one Kirsch has seen on Laura´s. It´s the face she makes when her mind is occupied with all other things but school, even though she tries to focus on what needs to be done.

“The guy dies, end of story”.

Will laughs as Kirsch approaches him and folds down the edge of the page his on before shutting the book closed. “What do you want, Kirsch?”.

“Nothing”.

Will flips his head around to face the end of the hall. “You´ve got… ninety seconds to bitch. Go”, he says and turns his head back around to face Kirsch.

With a sigh Kirsch gives in, “alright, are you okay?”.

“Huh?”.

“You´ve been acting weird and I want to know if you´re okay”, Kirsch pushes. The other boy only turns his gaze away, although, his shoulders slump down a little. Enough for Kirsch to notice. “Are you okay?”, he asks again.

“Yes. Why wouldn't I be?”.

“You tell me”.

Why he's even expecting an answer at this point is stupid. 

Will gives Kirsch one last look before he starts to walk backwards. “Time´s up. I´ll see you at practise”.

He's got nothing more to say. Nothing else to do than to watch how Will turns around and keeps walking. Perhaps his out of line, asking that is. Though, his gut tells him he's not. He watches how the dark haired boy´s expression changes when he passes Laura who´s grabbing Carmilla by the arm and steers the reluctant girl with her in the opposite direction.

He's not getting any answers today.

//

**JP (10:34am): Hello team! This is the causal reminder that you need to send in a draft by Monday on your articles**

**Laura (10:41am): I'm on it**

**Laura (10:42am): Oh right Dad wanted to know if he should put in a good word with the head of admissions for you**

**JP (10:42am): Are you kidding me?!**

**Laura (10:42am): I'll take that as a ‘yes please’**

//

It´s been a long day. Hell of a long day and it's nowhere near done. Her legs are stiff. A dull ache as rooted itself in her bones, while her mind seems to be stuck on this morning’s round of thoughts. It shouldn't come as a surprise, doesn't either, because the truth is that she has been carrying those thoughts in the back of her mind for many months. The approaching anniversary has only provoked them. So now she’s stuck in a loop. A never-ending loop of regret and guilt.

She sighs heavily.

For what it´s worth she'll just have to get through tomorrow and then she can drown the guilt in a bottle of tequila. God knows, she needs to shut her brain off. Until then she´ll have to find other ways to distract herself.

She passes the practice field on the way to the parking lot and, even though her absentminded state, she scans through the field. This year´s lacrosse teams look good, better than she expected, both the female and male team might have a chance of getting to playoffs by the look of it. She stops for a minute to watch, which leads to her spotting two girls sitting in the stands.

_Laura_ , she thinks as she recognizes the girl, her eyes than travel to the girl sat next to her. _Perfect_. If it wasn't enough of coincidence both of them happen to be the people she finds watching the lacrosse team's practice. Laura has never been one for sports, which means that she´s probably sat there because of Carmilla.

She gets the urge to run, far and hard. 

“What are you up to, boss?”.

The familiar voice belongs to Elsie who walks up to Danny´s side, eyes following the path of the other girl.

“I´ll thought I´d get a workout in”, Danny mumbles through gritted teeth. She might me out of line by not wanting the new girl around Laura, but her gut tells her that there´s something with the dark haired girl. Something dark. 

“You're crazy, girl. You do know that too much exercise is just as unhealthy as none at all”, the blonde replies, pulling a smile to Danny´s mouth

“Says the slacker”.

Elise gasps, before squirming by the tall girl´s side. “I ran this morning… to the car”, she admits and Danny scoffs. 

The two friends fall silent for a moment, both occupied with watching the field, until it becomes too much and Danny breaks it. “How about you?”, she asks. When the blonde doesn't answer, Danny looks over at her to find Elise staring at the pair sat in the stands. _For fucks sake_ , she thinks and waves a hand in front of the blonde's face. “Hello? Earth to Elsie”.

“What?”.

With a scoff lets Danny her hand return to her side, eyes drawing back to where Elsie´s remain. She allows herself to watch them for another moment before shifting her stand, making it awkward enough to look that way so that she won´t turn her gaze to them again. “If you keep staring at her like that she might get the wrong idea”, she informs her friend, which causes the blonde to finally meet her eyes.

“And what idea would that be”, Elsie replies as she wiggles her eyebrows.

Danny clamps her lips shut both from laughing and gagging, shaking her head at her friend as she steers for her car.

“Don't do something I wouldn't do”, she yells back over her shoulder, determined to get out of there as fast as possible.

“Well that's just boring!”.

\--

He can´t put his finger on it. In a way, he can understand why the petite brunette would intrigue his sister. After all, Carmilla has had a tendency of going after the opposite of what she has had before. Although that's the problem, he can't figure out what game she's playing. For all he knows she could just be out to get laid, Laura wouldn´t be the first girl to be victimized by Carmilla´s grief and will most likely not be the last. It´s been a good month of relatively good days, good as in he´s seen glimpses of his sister again.

His watching them; Carmilla and Laura. The brunette has a notepad in her lap which she writes on every now and then, but most of her focus is directed at Carmilla. Or rather talking to Carmilla. He watches and sees how his sister contributes to the conversation, which would be odd if she's just waiting for the right moment hook her claws in the smaller girl. She's as much of a talker as him, they´re use action rather than words, when they talk it's most likely to shut the other person up. Carmilla´s good with words, big and bold words that could flip any girl onto her back. He´s seen her use her big mouth many times, still contact and action is faster and neither of them are particularly patient.

Yet, there she is; sitting next to that girl who seems to be able to talk from dusk to dawn, and Carmilla doesn't move to stop her. That is why he's confused. He would be a lot less worried if Carmilla would just get out of her funk and sleep with the girl, get it over and done with. Not that he doesn't want her to make friends, but did it have to be _her_. Why did it have to be that _kind_ of girl.

He watches, hopes that his sister will come to her senses and at least leave, but instead a blonde approaches the stands. He recognizes her, guesses that she's an athlete from the way she´s built. She might be runner, that's probably where he recognizes her from; Kirsch did take him to one of their practices a while back. The blonde addresses the other girls, earns herself a smirk from his sister and a smile from the brunette, before she slides down to sit next to Carmilla.

The look on Carmilla's face changes somewhere between the greeting and when the blonde leans in to say something to her. Before he knows it he catches his sister snickering along to the blonde's words. Carmilla´s shoulders visibly slump down from their tense position and she straightens up in her seat, all with that laughter still rolling of her lips.

_Laugh all you want_ , he thinks, _I still see it_. Her eyes give her away, they have that in common, but you would have to really know her to know that. Still, he´s relieved that she actually knows how to laugh after all this time.

“ _Karnstein_! Get in the goal, eyes up and knees down!”.

He jumps to his feet at the sound of coach´s sharp voice and hurries over to the goal to switch off.

“Yes, coach”.

He allows herself to look over to the stands on last time and that feeling of relief settles within him when he sees Carmilla tilting her head as she locks her eyes into the blonde. _There you go_.

//

“Your brother got talent”.

With a frown Carmilla turns her head in time to see Will save yet another shot from getting into the goal. He manipulates the stick in his hands afterwards and gets back in position, eyes fixed in front of him and the next three attackers coming his way. 

“Are we really going to talk about my brother”, she husks and turns back to the blonde.

The hint of smile on Elsie´s lips draws the dark haired girl´s to her mouth, and they remain there as the blonde also turns to look at Carmilla. Those pink lips fill up a bright smile once she catches Carmilla staring at her, although, she quickly bites her bottom lip. The dark haired girl tilts her head slightly, a careful smirk filling up her own mouth, and she lifts her gaze to meet the blonde's blue eyes.

It hurts. Looking at her hurts, but only for a moment, only during that short time it takes for her mind to separate blue from blue. It hurts, all over, deeply and hard, but the eyes she´s looking into are far from the ones that haunt her dreams. These ones are not innocent, don´t hold love or warmth, only interest and attraction. These eyes have not _seen_ her, therefor, the breath that waits in her lungs is released and she leans in closer to the blonde.

Still, the pain has rooted itself in her chest and tugs at her heart with every beat.

“What do you want to talk about?”.

_Nothing at all_ , she thinks for herself, eyes darting down to those pink lips.

//

**Kirsch (6:07pm): I know I´m late**

**Kirsch (6:09pm): Had to stop by SJ´s to get my books**

**Kirsch (6:09pm): D?**

**Danny (6:12pm): Yes**

**Kirsch (6:12pm): Thought I had the wrong number**

**Danny (6:15pm): I wish**

**Danny (6:16pm): Just get here already**

**Danny (6:16pm): SJ will kill you if you're texting and driving**

//

“No”. It´s hushed, barely audible in the dark of the night. “No”, the word spills from her lips once more as she twists in her sleep.

“Ell!”.

Carmilla´s eyes snap open. The flash of memories has forced her up into a sitting position with her hands clutching to the sheets. 

Fear is imprinted on her face and tears are falling over the edge to dance down her cheeks. Her lips tremble as she tugs the sheets tight to her chest.

“No”, she mumbles, her whole chest aching with fear and memories. “Please”.

The door to her room swing open and Will rushes in while pulling on a tank top, hair messy from sleep and eyes wide with concern. He stops at the foot of her bed, one hand reaching out to touch it but he stops himself mid-air. 

“Carmilla?”, his voice is small. Anxious. 

She shakes her head, vision blurry from the tears still running down her face. Her body is tense, shaking even, and her breath laboured.

“Carmilla, talk to me”, her brother begs. “Please”.

When she closes her eyes to compose herself the images flashes before her once again, causing a wave of sobs to push through her throat. 

“Make it stop… make it stop”, she cries, dragging her knees up to under her chin. She started to rock back and forth, chest tight and stomach turning. “William… please make it stop”, she pleas with her face pressed against her knees.

She has barely gotten his name out when he rushes over to her side, pulls her into his arms and starts ´shushing´ her comfortingly. His arms are strong and protective, still, she´s afraid to shut her eyes. Even the thought of it sends her body back into shivering. Will comforts her with whispers and rubs her back. It takes a two minutes of her holding her breath before the tension in her shoulders fades to something manageable. After another twenty minutes her hands unlatch from his neckline. 

He has not yet asked her what the dream was about, He knows, she knows it, after all this isn't the first time he´s had to comfort her in the middle of the night. She´s lost in the void left by the dream so she doesn't react to the loss of his touch before the bed bounces back when he gets up

He´s got his back to her as he shuffles around next to the bed, by the look of it it looks like he's making room by her bedside. It´s confirmed when he snags a blanket out of one of her boxes and spreads it out on the floor. He then turns to the door, but stops halfway out of it to look over at her. 

He smiles tenderly, and says “I'm just going to get you some water. I won't leave you, I promise”.

She nods, but when he leaves she calls out for him. “Will”. He returns, worry written over his face. “I... She-”, the words won't leave her tongue, instead a new stream of tears runs down her cheeks.

“I will get better”, he tells her with confident smile, it's fake, but she appreciates him trying.

Still she can't help but wonder, _what if it doesn´t?_

 

\--

**_31st of December 2012_ **

It's the alcohol. It has to be. At least that is what she tries to convince herself as she replies to the text. Replies to _Ell_. It´s has to be the alcohol that´s causing her chest to feel hot. Like the blood in her veins is buzzing with energy. Although, one glass of champagne shouldn't have that effect. Doesn´t, not on her. 

“What are you smiling about”, says a voice beside her and her eyes jerk up to meet the smirking Mattie standing in the door. “You´re a lost cause”.

The heat quickly flares up and Carmilla can feel it even on the tops of her ears. “Shut up”, she tells the older girl and shoves her phone down her pocket.

“Oh, don´t stop on my account. You can be sexting with your _friend_ all you want. You´re still sticking with that, right? That she's your friend?”, Mattie teases and then sips on her glass of bubbling champagne. Her lips still quirked up in a smirk. 

Carmilla opens her mouth, a handful of insults ready at hand to throw back at her terrible friend, but then Will appears by Mattie´s side and she falls quiet. It's the look he gives her, the joy in his eyes and the hint of smile on his lips. Even though he won't say it, she knows; he´s happy for her. 

Both of them are.

“What are we talking about?”, he asks and snags the glass from Mattie's hand. 

“Hey, get your own”, the older girl replies and grabs a hold of the boy´s hand before he has a chance to down the content. He pouts, but doesn't fight her. “Guess three times”, Matte then says and turns back to Carmilla, which causes Will to sigh.

“Not Ell again. I´m getting sick of talking about her”.

“As if”, Carmilla huffs.

“Is there anything to talk about then, _dear_ sister?”.

“No, _dear_ brother”.

“Lost cause, didn't I tell you”, the older girl says, causing Carmilla´s ears to burn bright red. Matte nudges Will´s shoulder before nodding towards the blushing girl. “Don't ever get like this. I can't have both of you looking this… happy”. She gags, as if the word ´happy´ is choking her, and Will can't hold back an ear to ear wide smirk. 

“Idiots. You're both idiots”, Carmilla mutters with endearment as she rolls her eyes. If anything, their behaviour is a testament to how much they like Ell _and_ this newfound happiness of Carmilla´s.

“I won't, promise. Now come on, we'll miss it”, Will swears with his hand his heart before offering his arm to Mattie.

She hooks her own arm with is, “we can't have that can we”, she says.

Carmilla watches them walk off into the other room, she waits until she hears them exit the house before she follows - giving her a minute to compose herself. Once she pushes the door open to the porch she catches the sound of her brother's laughter, which leads her to where he and Mattie are standing in the very front of the crowd. She pushes through the many bodies huddled together in the cold, many of them new faces to her, but just as many old. One of the annual parties their mother throws have turned their house into a home for joy and celebration. Carmilla has gotten used to it by now, the new faces and old ones that is, after all she wasn't given a choice. She usually enjoys the parties anyway, the clueless staff doesn´t bother with asking about age before serving her champagne and Mother is completely occupied with being a perfect hostess to care about her.

The cold has turned her arms to goose skin by the time she presses herself into Mattie´s side to share her warmth, just in time for William to lean in with a mischievous look in his eyes.

“So do I have to be your kiss this year too?”, he teases and Mattie slaps his arm, a hint of red filling up her cheeks for a split second.

“That was _one_ time, William!”.

Their voices are drowned by the many voices joined up to celebrate the new year with laughter and joy. Of all the parties Mother throws every year, the new year´s party is Carmilla's favourite. It represents an end and a beginning, both of with Carmilla finds herself wanting every year. This time though, she wouldn't have minded sharing the beginning with someone. Really sharing it, but she knows better than to introduce someone new on an occasion like this - Mother would never take it seriously.

Mattie squeezes her arm, jerking her up from her thoughts in time for the countdown to reach reaches zero and when it does the sky is lit up with fireworks.

It´s a new beginning.

Will pulls the two of them in his embrace, his breath betraying the calm he radiates with its heavy smell of alcohol and Mattie hugs back so tightly Carmilla's chest aches. It´s a good pain, the kind she misses when they're apart.

“Happy new year!”, the three of them shout up to the sky, just like they do every year and just like every year they fall into laughter together from the ecstasy. Or more likely the number of drinks they've had so far.

Mattie plasters a wet kiss on Carmilla's cheek once they've let go of each other, then she holds the younger girl in front of her with both of her hands on Carmilla´s shoulders. Neither of them say anything, but Carmilla sees the compassion in Mattie's eyes. There's no doubt in Carmilla's mind that the older girl understands why she didn't bring Ell _and_ how much she wishes that she could have. Mattie lets go with a smile, only to throw herself over Will who catches her with laughter spilling from his lips.

This is what they are - silly and childish. Once every now and then they _can_ be this without hesitation or judging looks.

Carmilla pulls out her phone, the vibrating it sent through her body causing her heart to speed up knowingly that it could only be one person. Her eyes glimmer with happiness when she reads the message, and it´s not only because of the champagne. 

**Ell (00:02am): Happy new year’s. I wish you I was there with you**

**Carmilla (00:03am): Next year, darling. happy new year’s**

She makes a promise to herself that this is the last year she celebrates the new year without _her_.


	6. Hush my baby...

_**3rd of October 2014** _

He should have known. He should have been prepared. But as many times before the heartbreaking scream woke him in his sleep and shook him awake with terror filling his body. The sight of her, of his darling sister, crawled up into a small quivering ball was one that made his heart stop in fear. He should be used by now, of seeing her completely rendered by panic. Still, nothing could ever make him get used to it.

The signs were small, still he had learned every single one of them.

Usually, she´d crack her neck one too many times. Then her hands would get restless and she'd end up cracking all her fingers, even those that didn't heal correctly from the last time she threw her fist through a window. Or mirror. Hell it might even have been their kitchen table as far as he remembers. All of those things were small, things she could hide behind pretending to shift her weight and seat, or by hiding her hands under the table or behind her back. But he still saw. Still saw the pain in her black eyes when one of her joints popped out of place, how it would grow slightly when she didn't pop it back and instead let that pain spread through her hand. 

It´s hard for him to admit that she´s the way she is. That she hurts herself in times of despair and sorrow. It´s hard because the image in his head is still one of her being strong and happy, in her own way, but even that image has started to crack. When they moved he hoped that some of her would be restored, that leaving New York and all it´s memories behind could let her find a way to breathe again. It was foolish to believe that. He knows that all too well, because the place where he hoped for his sister to find peace is one where he struggles for air himself. And she, his darling sister, had rejected relief in any other form that chemical for far too long to let peace find her.

He should have stopped it. Right there, when mother started talking about _it_. When _her_ name was mentioned chaos took over Carmilla's eyes. Ell. He barely even allows himself to think of that name, scared that the mere thought would set her off.

He should have done something.

Anything.

After all mother isn't the one who´s around when all hell breaks lose. She´s not the one who is shook awake by Carmilla´s scream at four at night. She´s not the kind of mother who sits by her daughter's side and looks over her, makes sure that sleep once more finds that sweet face and that beating heart stills.

Mother is not a mother when Carmilla needs her the most.

Which for the last decade hasn´t been more than a handful of times. Well, a handful of times until Ell. Until that night. Until Carmilla´s worst nightmare came true once more and replaced an old memory with a much more horrific one.

He should have said something. Done something. Before it got to this point.

\--

The room is pitch dark. Quiet. Apart from her thumping heart and William´s breathing next to her. He thinks she doesn't know he´s awake still, that he lays there below her bed listing out for her every move. Ready to catch her once more.

She can´t say she won't fall. 

Can´t think that she won´t.

All she´s sure of is that it´s dark, and not only in this room. The whole world is dark and she´s scared out of her mind of that heaviness that wants to shut her eyes closed. Scared of letting her body relax and recover, because if she does, sleep will drag her down into that darkness again.

She barely fought her way out the last time.

Or rather, she's not sure if she ever got out.

\--

He's been counting the small cracks in the ceiling, eyes threatening to close on him every now and then, and when he´s gotten through them all he will do it again. Once the early hours of morning creeps up on him he´s lost count of everything, all he knows is that Carmilla hasn´t moved an inch since she crawled into foster position facing away from him. When his cellphone goes off with that horrible birdsong ringtone he's been using as an alarm the last couple of weeks, he glances up towards his sister's bed. 

She won't say it. 

He´s waiting for her to tell him to go. To stop wasting his precious time on her when there´s a whole world out there he can try and save, and fail. He waits, but she says nothing and there's a moment when he truly believes that she might be okay in the end. That she's that much closer to finally accepting the help she needs.

But at the same time, if she won't speak she won´t ask either. She´s not there yet.

He's been waiting for her to get to a point of realization for months, for more than a dozen of nights spent by her bed, for three weeks guarding her side in that cold hospital room, through tears and screams and pleads. 

A watchdog. Bearing scars of her sharp words and nails on his back. A watchdog, that is what he is. And so he listens and hears nothing, then finally the alarms goes quiet too and he turns on his side. Facing her bed, tears prickling his eyes and fingers grasping the fabric of the blanket.

He curses the quiet.

\--

Her side hurts. It has been hurting for some time now, but it´s easier to face the wall than the window so she won´t turn. It must be day because the room isn't pitch dark like before, still she has yet to reach for her phone and check the time. For all she cares it could be winter again and the sun has but only risen for a few hours before it falls back asleep. She wishes that she could sleep, that she could fall in the darkness and disappear for as long as her mind aches. Because her body might be hurting, but it´s her mind that´s killing her. 

She can't close her eyes. Won´t. As soon as her eyelids fall shut the memories come rushing to the surface and her chest contracts. 

All she wants is to sleep. Or die, maybe that's the same thing. It feels like it's the same thing.

\--

It´s almost ten a’clock. He´s missed first and second period. No, _they´ve_ missed it. He wonders for a moment, a moment of weakness on his part, if Mother´s even noticed that they haven´t gone. That is if she even came home again. She gave them the same excuse as always yesterday after dinner, telling them that she was needed at the restaurant and that they shouldn´t wait up for her. The last time he waited up he was ten and she came through the door, grabbed a wine glass and a bottle of Merlot from the kitchen and then went right past him to her room. 

He was ten when he stopped waiting for her to put any effort into their relationship or family.

He´d be surprised if anyone noticed. _Although_ , he thinks, _maybe that annoying little blonde friend of hers might_. Laura, maybe she'll notice that Carmilla hasn't showed up. Yet again, why would that matter. It only matters if the school calls to inform Mother of their absence, and it will matter for as long as it takes her to take her frustration out on them. After that, everything will go back to how it was.

The room is still dark, but far from what it was when he came running in hours ago. It´s hotter too, almost unbearably so. Although, he knows the heat isn't to blame for the suffocating feeling that has been growing in his chest. He glances up towards his sister, his dear sister. She hasn't moved yet, probably won't for many more hours, but she's not sleeping. She never sleeps when she has dreamed of _her_.

Slowly but surely he moves to stand, and when he does stand he can draw for a deeper breath - she's no longer in foster postion. It´s a good sign. A welcomed sign. He takes his phone and the glass of water he brought Carmilla, which she hasn't touched. He´ll return with it though, filled with fresh and cold water. Because she'll get through and when she does she´ll want water, this he has learned over the times.

It pains him to leave her, but without a breath of air or simply a break his own memories might come to haunt him. God knows, he too has spent nights screaming names and wished for the hurt to cease. Just not as badly as she has. He has not seen it happen, right there in front of him, like she did. He knows that if he had he´d be in an even worse state than her. She´s the strong one, even if she doesn't look like it right this minute.

Once outside in the hallway he closes the door on ajar, knowing that Carmilla will appreciate the limited sunlight.

His thoughts forces him to unlock his phone and he stands there, staring at the screen, his mind running wild over the number he knows by heart. Against his better judgement he adjusts his settings to unknown caller and dials the number. As the call goes through he leans back against the wall, his free hand absently fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt.

_“Hello.”_ Her voice is enough to settle the storm raiding his chest, his heart, his sanity. At the same time it rattles a new storm, or rather an old one which has been waiting to leave him wrecked and craving again. _“Hello?”_

He wants to say something, anything, but no words find him. They never do. With his back to the wall he slips down until he´s on the floor and then he pulls his knees up close to his chest. His head slumps down on top of his knees, his face hidden from nothing but the sunlight that sneaks through the windows.

_“William?”_ the sound of his name, the sound of _her_ saying his name forces him to grit his teeth tightly to not cry out for her. _”It's you isn't it? William, it's okay. I'm okay. I've forgiven you, please just talk to me.”_

All he needs is to say _her_ name. If he could do that the storm wouldn't hurt anymore, then it could all be okay again. At least that is what he hopes and dreams, but never believes.

He ends the call, quickly, and he almost slams the phone against the floor in frustration, in his own sorrow causing sobs to fill the air as they roll of his lips. One after another.

\--

She must have gone numb, because she can no longer feel the pain, or her right side for that matter. Maybe that´s for the best, at least if she's numb she doesn't have to move. She could stay like this, laying on her right side, eyes blank and gaze distant. She could stay like this forever. Many hours have passed. It must be long past noon, she thinks. If the strong sunlight wasn't a sign Will´s shifting and turning beside her bed sure was one. And she knows, more importantly - she understands that she should get up. Laying here, wallowing in her sorrow won´t change anything, but the mere thought of simply sitting up makes her head spin. 

“Carmilla!” The sound of her name, yelled from downstairs causes her chest to cramp, but more importantly it makes Will jump unsuspectedly. _Mother_. Without even thinking about it, she draws her knees up closer to her body. When the door is flung open she´s in a defensive position, ready to take whatever might be thrown at her. “What do you think you're doing?” Mother asks in that horribly scary, calm voice, but there's nothing calm about her.

“Mother-” Will tries, but quiets before he´s finished and she knows what happened. Mother happened. He doesn't speak up again, she hears him get up instead and his slow step as he leaves the room. The sound of his feet against the floor pauses for a moment, and she wishes that she had enough strength to love him more, for his love for her, but then she can hear him retreat down the stairs and her wishes fades with every step. 

She´s numb and it's the best thing she could be right at this moment, considering what´s about to happen.

“I cannot believe you're doing this again, you just got back into school,” Mother says and even though Carmilla can't see her, she does _see_ her. She sees the absolute disappointment in her mother´s face and the dark thoughts she´s never understood as they flash by in her mother´s tired eyes. The things Mother would do if Carmilla ever insinuated that she looked tired, but the truth of the matter is that she does look tired. Since that day thirteen years ago she's looked tired. Carmilla wonders for a moment if that is what people see when they look at her too - tired eyes. Or if they see her demons instead. God knows, no matter how hard she fights them off they always return. “For heaven's sake, what would it take for you to put some effort into this? Your brother and I sacrificed our own futures for you, the least you could do is show some appreciation,” Mother continues.

Carmilla doesn't even let out a sigh. She has no answers, because she never wanted any sacrifices

“I am disappointed in you, Carmilla.”

\--

After Mother came storming down from Carmilla´s room, angry enough to not even spare him a second glance as she passed him at the bottom of the stairs, he hasn't dared to go back upstairs. So he sits on the last step of the stairs, waiting for something, anything. He knows better than to let himself think that this won't pass, because it always does. Maybe not for another hour, day or week, but it will pass. When it has Carmilla will look at him and show no signs of weakness, no signs of the sister he used to know or the shivering reflection of her whom he saw yesterday.

It always passes.

He has no reason for not believing it will this time too. 

Mother reappears, wearing that same stoic face as before. He can't decide on whether she looks defeated or determined. In a way, she´s probably both. He waits for her to say something, but she says nothing. Instead she drops his gym bag in front of his feet.

It's not a question.

It's never a question.

He stands to his feet, gaze low and submissive as he reaches for the bag. Sometimes he can't help but remember a time, or maybe a dream, that was the complete opposite of what this is. It's so long ago he's not even sure it ever was reality or if he's made it all up in his head - that they were different. He wants to believe that they used to be good, a warm and happy family once upon time. Because if they were, if there's something for him to believe, then they can be that again. They can find happiness again.

Mother steps to the side to let him by, still not saying anything. Her eyes dark and filled with emotion, a storm of them that he can't unradle. She's silent, but even in her silence she's so loud it makes his head ache.

She says nothing as he passes her. Nothing when he puts on his jersey. Nothing, not even when he puts his hand on the door handle and turns back to look at her.

Maybe it's for the best. Yet, what he wouldn't do for some reassurance. Just a word or two to give him some peace of mind, to relieve him of this constant worry. She looks back at him, arms now crossed over her chest and he waits.

But she says nothing.

And he leaves.

_It's what we do best_ , he thinks for himself as the door closes behind him with a silent thud.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on inspiration-feeds-creatiivity.tumblr.com or follow the tag #casualtyau


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